Surrendering the Pain

I didn't sleep well last night.  Immediately, after losing Seth I had a hard time sleeping.  I would fall asleep and then I would wake up in the dark of the night with the house completely quiet.  And my mind would not let go of what happened.  I would replay in my mind a thousand different ways life could of gone except the way that it did.  I struggled with guilt about that last week Seth was alive.  Was there something I should have noticed, anything that would mean he would still be alive.  All of this came in night when I was all alone.  It was rough.  I would dance around in my mind.  I could see the pain I knew was there waiting for me.  I could touch it, but quickly took my hands off of it because I didn't want to feel it yet. 

Finally, I got a break and for the last week I had been sleeping better.  Well until last night.  I woke and I was struggling with the loss of Seth.  I tried several times to go back to sleep.  I tossed and turned.  Morning came and I was in my bed feeling so alone in my pain.  It was all so fresh again.  I could feel the pain of them telling Seth passed away.  I could hear the silence after his birth.  I felt the deep regret of not placing him on my chest after I delivered him.  I felt the strange familiarity of having Seth in my room with me meeting my children.  But this was anything but familiar.  My Seth had passed away and we were only experiencing him like he was a baby doll. I remember how difficult it was to tell Seth goodbye for the last time. And I can feel guilt again and again that there must of being something I should have done differently. 

I struggled my way out of bed.  I got the kids dressed and ready for school.  And now the house is quieter again and I am feeling low.  I can't stop thinking about what I would be doing right now if Seth were here.  As noisy as my house is....I can hear the silence.  I miss the sound of a crying newborn who is desperate for milk.  I wonder what his cry would sound like.  Caleb must even miss Seth.  He came to me this morning with his arms cradled.  He told me this is how you hold a baby.  And that he held Seth in his lap. 

I have praise music on this morning.  I am trying desperately to move past the pain.  I am trying to praise God.  I haven't yet in this blog shared much about my faith.  In the past, I have always felt the amazing love of God when I was in pain.  But I have been so surprised at the numbness I have felt with God since this happened.  I am not sure why but I just wasn't able to fall on my knees and cry to God like I had been used to when life was so hard. Losing my son is like no other pain I have felt in my life.  I literally feel like a part of me died with Seth. 

As numb as I have felt, I have not doubted God's incredible love for me.  He has been at work long before Seth was even created in my womb to take care of me.  I do believe that.  He has sent people who I have never met with messages from Him.  The words I heard in a Bible Study while I was pregnant are coming to life in my heart.  The tremendous family and friends He has blessed me with are loving on me now.  My children who hug and kiss me daily are bringing me incredible comfort. 

God has no intention of letting me get lost in my grief.  But I do have a choice to make to.  God is there reaching out to me.  He wants to hold me.   I want to be held by Him.  I want to surrender this pain to my Savior.  So especially today when my pain is more than I can bear I am crying out to Jesus to take this pain.  I cannot bear it any longer all alone.  Please dear Jesus hear my cry and bring healing to me.  I know you love me Dear Lord.  I know you love Seth, too.  Please comfort my heart with the knowledge that you have a plan for Seth's life.  And although I do not see it yet, you my God can see the bigger picture.  Please do not let my pain or Seth's life go in vain.  Do your work in me and my life.  I love you Jesus.  I surrender to you today.  Let your mercy fall upon me today. 

All that I have written this morning reminds me of the song by Mercy Me...The Hurt and the Healer.   If you haven't heard this song I invite you to hear it here.  My God is speaking to me through this song. 

The Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me