It has been three weeks since my baby Seth went to heaven. I have been consumed with grief. Every other thought I have is about my baby. I have been forced to get back into life because I do have other children. They have needed me. So I have done what they have needed to me to do.....be their Mommy too. Honestly, taking care of them has been comforting. And I have even taken advantage of extra kisses and hugs that they wanted to offer. To them we are back in our routine full force.
To me the last three weeks have felt like a time warp. For most of the time I was in a complete state of shock. The shock protected me. It only allowed my mind to think about certain things at certain times. Eventually the shock wore off and the pain I felt was deep. I felt as though I was going through the motions. I felt like I was sure I was not going to be able to survive. Then I read somewhere in a book about someone else living without a child. She said she just kept waking up. I can so relate to that. Please don't misunderstand me I have never felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I just wasn't sure how to live with joy anymore after the death of my son. But I don't really have a choice. I just keep waking up.
Grief is strange. As low as I feel there are moments that I do smile or even laugh. And I even had a moment recently to indulge. I wanted to indulge in chocolate. I knew it. I wanted chocolate. So I was standing in Walgreen's in the candy aisle and I wanted chocolate. Not just any hershey bar would do. I wanted the good stuff. The stuff that just makes you let it melt in your mouth so you can enjoy every second of it. So I started looking frantically through each shelf. And one got my eye. Ghirardelli Chocolate Masterpieces Collection: Moments of Timeless Pleasure. Ghirardelli says it all doesn't...this will be some good chocolate. Then I looked down at the price...seriously it costs that much? Oh I shouldn't get it. So I started looking at the chocolates on the shelf. Nope they would not do. I needed the Ghirardelli chocolate. It was begging me to take it.
And guess what? I bought it! I gave into impulse. I wanted that chocolate. I knew as I bit into it I would enjoy it. I need so much to enjoy something right now. And also don't forget that I have just delivered a baby. My pregnancy hormones have gone from 60 mph to 0 in the last three weeks. Top that with grief and I decided that I deserved this really expensive chocolate.
So here I am sitting at the computer with my chocolate beside me. I am going to enjoy a bite of it right now. And I am not going to share it with any one, so don't ask!!!
You maybe wondering if I am getting a moment, a normal moment without Seth being on my mind. No. But it is a sweet moment, sweet like chocolate. The box remember says "Moments of Timeless Pleasure" That is what my precious son Seth brought to me. Even in all the pain now...Seth never brought me pain. While he and I were like one he brought me incredible joy. Seth, my baby boy you brought me "Moments of Timeless Pleasure" I will always remember them. I love you Seth!
No comments:
Post a Comment