I can’t believe it has been six months since I said goodbye to your sweet face. I miss you so much. You are always on my mind. I worry as time passes I will lose another part of you — the sweet baby I remember in my heart and mind. You were a beautiful baby with such a energetic spirit. I loved how much you moved within my womb. I was so surprised at how active and full of life you were little one. I loved every minute of it.
When they told me you had died I swear my heart stopped beating too. I remember just looking at my belly like I was no longer inside my own body. I wanted to die. Losing you has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I cannot believe how much emotional pain I have felt or how dark the world has seemed to me. In the beginning, right after you died, I fell into a darkness I never knew existed. It swallowed me up and I couldn’t breathe. I felt so alone in my grief. I didn’t understand why God let you die. I felt like people didn’t understand the immense sadness I felt or the trauma my body and mind had gone through to give birth to you after your death. I felt Alone, Ashamed, Unworthy, and Guilty. How could anyone possibly want to accept me now?
Grieving you has taken time. It also has taken so much of me and the person I was before you. I have felt lost inside myself, not sure who I was anymore or who I even wanted to be. Yet with each new day and with help from God, my family and friends I have begun to notice the light again. I have been more ready to emerge from the darkness. I am finally ready to heal.
I can still remember the weight of you in my arms. My arms ache to hold the you again. I remember your sweet face. You were so perfect and beautiful. I have decided that these are my memories and I have every right to keep them with me. They live etched in my mind and my heart. They remind me of the incredible privilege it is to be your Mommy. And that I will always be.
Someone recently told me that she thinks I am going to be a stronger woman through this experience. She said that I am not afraid to go deep and search my heart and the hurt. I think I know what she means. I do feel stronger for being your Mommy. I am not afraid to feel emotion anymore. I long to love deeper and live happier. I feel a new confidence stirring in me. One that wants to be bold and more outgoing. I do not want your life to go in vain. I want to make you proud of me. I want to live like you lived. You loved being alive. I want others to look at me and know that I survived the unimaginable and I did it by loving more than I thought was possible. I let go of more than I wanted to and it knocked me down to the ground. Getting up has taken every ounce of faith in God and His divine healing. God is faithful and He has not left me.
Hope is blooming in me again. Your big sister Natalie said to me this week that I am laughing a lot. I never thought I would laugh again after you died. I am so thankful to find some healing and it has been your sisters and brothers who have given me sweet reasons to smile. It makes me wonder if you know what my smile looks like? I will always wonder what your toothless grin would be. I try and imagine it in my mind.
Sweet baby I will never forget you. You will always be my baby boy and I love you so much. You will be the baby that left the echo of your heartbeat in my womb. I can hear the whisper of it in my heart. You are the one who I held every minute of your life. And that my precious Seth Josiah was an amazing gift.
I”ll love you Forever. I’ll like you for Always. As long as I am living, my Baby you will be.
I am so excited to be embarking on a new adventure. The darkness is starting to fade. I can see the light ready to shine through. It has been waiting for me, calling my name. I am ready to look through the lens of the camera and see life all around me again. I am ready to look upon the faces of my children and capture their sweet smiles. I am ready to view the beauty around me. It is time to Illuminate.
I consider it such a privilege to take a photo healing class offered by another baby loss mom called Illuminate. I just completed my first assingment of writing a letter to my baby and taking photographs that represent where I am in my journey following baby loss.