The Darkness

I see my husband look into my eyes and beg me to come out of the darkness. He needs me. I know he does. Even he can't seem to take this pain. It feels like only mine to bear. It was in my womb my baby lived and died. It was from my body I gave way to death through the motion of giving birth. How could he feel what I feel? It just isn't humanly possible. Still, he hugs me again and wants me to come out. I don't know how.

I see my children look at me. I hear them saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" I finally answer them and try to take care of them. I feel myself going through the motions. I get them dressed. I feed them. I help them bathe and brush their teeth. I try really hard to smile or laugh at something they say and do. My attempts but fail. I am with them but in a fog. 

I talk with my friend on the phone and I hear the concern in her voice. I almost choose not to talk to her. She comes up with wonderful ideas about getting out, live among the living, believing God's truth. She wants me to believe that this grief will ease. It will be different someday than it is now. I am not sure I believe her. She knows I don't believe her. She prays to God asking Him to comfort me, heal me, carry me. He must be carrying me because I don't feel like I am walking on my own. Through the tears I think I see hope.

Yet, the darkness and loneliness are so overwhelming. I know I won't survive if I stay here. The darkness will swallow me up if I let it. I am growing weary. I am so alone. I am in so much pain.  Will I ever find joy again?

Abba Father I am trying to cry out to you. Please hear me now.

You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.

Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.

Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

(Psalm 86:3-4, 6-7, 11-13)