Daydreaming

I miss my baby Seth.  I think about him almost every minute of every day.  I daydream about what it would be like to have him in my arms.  Even awake these dreams are so real.  I can see my self cradling my baby in my arm. I can almost feel it.  He feels so good there. I feel my breasts tingle as if they are ready to feed him. I can imagine the sensation of nursing him. I want to smell the sweetness of his breath after I feed him.

I want to caress the top of his head.  I want to look at him.  See the way he would wrinkle his nose or maybe his forehead.  I want to feel him wrap his fingers around mine.  I want to feel his warmth.   I want to hold his skinny legs in my hand.   I can imagine the closeness of his little head up against mine. I would be kissing him. I would be smelling him.  Don't you know he would smell so sweet, so new, so perfect. 

But he is not really in my arms.  I almost want to pretend that I have just layed him down for a nap and that soon he will wake up crying out for me and I can go to and pick him up. I want to hear him cry.  Please baby just cry so I can know your voice.

But this all only my imagination....a daydream.  I realize the tears are streaming down my face.  My baby is in heaven.  I know he is safe there.  All of his needs are being met.  He is experiencing love and joy that are beyond my imagination.  I know this should bring me comfort.  But all I feel right now is pain. I love you Seth.