Remember the Joy

I wake up every morning with the same pain in my heart.  It is a burning feeling.  I hate it.  I reminds me of my loss.  I lay there in misery having to face another day. I want the pain to stop.  I don't want to constantly remember what I lost but the incredible gift I had. 

I was so happy when I saw those two lines on the stick.  I felt joy.  I felt afraid.  I felt happiness. I felt some uncertaintity.  I felt alive.  I felt sick.  I felt really sick.  The morning sickness kind of sick.  Not this sick feeling I feel now in my heart.

 I went to an ultrasound and saw my baby in my womb for the first time.  I was in love.  I heard the heartbeat.  It made me want to cry.  Not cry sadness but cry happiness.  Grow little one I would think to myself. 

I felt that first movement.  Could it be that I just felt this little baby move?  Do it again.  Yes! And another time.  My tummy tickled so much I thought I would melt. 

I saw my baby again on the ultrasound.  It is a boy! She said.  I knew it.  I just knew it.  Look at that.  My baby is moving so much.  Did he just flip?    Yes....I felt it.  I felt pure joy.  The joy a mother expecting knows so intimately. 

Keep growing little one.  I feel every movement.  I can't believe I wanted him to settle down.  But I needed to sleep.  I massaged my tummy.  I love you little one. 

Seth and Mommy  March 12, 2012

I just want this moment today.  I will stop here in my writing.  I will stop here in my mind deep in my memory when I knew the joy and not the pain.  I just want to remember the joy of  my little one today.  The incredible gift I was so honored to receive.  I close my eyes.  There you are baby.  I think I can remember the happiness.  I am starting to cry.  I don't want to cry sadness today.  I want to cry tears of joy.  I held a miracle close to my heart.   It was you!  It was wonderful.