Grief

I just got finished with a bath. It took me forever to get dressed. I finally fit in my jeans again. I have been slumming around in the maternity pants for the past two weeks. I have a couple of shirts that I bought new last summer. I keep wearing them. But everytime I put them on I am reminded of being happy last summer shopping for them. I was actually doing something for myself. Then as I remember last summer I remember finding out I was pregnant. I was happy. Nervous yes....sick yes....but happy. I think I was even wearing these shirts at the beginning of my pregnancy.

So what do I do with that? Do I try and go shopping? Do I buy something new to wear? I had my wardrobe planned out with capris and nursing shirts. Everytime I get dressed it is a struggle. I usually just settle and just put it on. Accomplished! I am dressed. But I don't feel like myself or even care what I look like. I stand looking in the mirror. I can't tell if I should show off my flattened tummy or try and hide it. And then it occurred to me that no one will probably even comment on my flattened tummy. It is not like they would brave enough to say. "I can't believe how skinny you look after just having a baby." No they probably wouldn't say that. I probably wouldn't want them to say that as I would probably burst into tears. Will they even remember that I have carried six children?

My body is back to normal. There are no outward reminders of the incredible journey I have just been on carrying my precious baby Seth for 39 weeks. The place he lived and was so loved. They have no idea. To them I am sure my stomach just looks normal but they can't see the inside where my heart is broken. These are all silent reminders as I look in the mirror. I hate reminders of what I had and now I have lost.

Worrying about my wardrobe, my clothing, my outward appearance seems so trivial in the scheme of what I lost. But this is my grief. It shows up in even the littlest of details.