Strange and Awkward

I feel like I have made it to some sort of milestone.  If Seth were with me, he would have just turned a month old.  But he is not with me.  And grief unfortunately doesn't really have time lines or milestones.  But yet time seems to help.  I know the grief isn't as fresh and shocking today as it was the day my Seth went to heaven. The pain is still deep and I don't think it will ever really leave.  It is a permanent scar on my heart.  No matter how hard I try to make this all only a nightmare....I wake up every day to the reality. And reality is not only painful but continues to be incredibly strange and awkward.

On Tuesday I went to Chapel Hill to order the headstone for Seth's grave.  It is something I would never imagined myself doing for one of my children. There weren't many to choose from so I guess it made this sort of decision a little easier.   I decided on the teddy bear stone. It is strangely adorable,  if a headstone should be described in this way...I don't really know.  His precious name Seth Josiah Schamburg will be engraved upon it as well as the date known as his birth and death March 18, 2012.  It will also say Our Baby Boy...as he will forever been known in our hearts.

Natalie and I also took some flowers, a dragonfly, and pinwheel to his grave.  Natalie has been pretty insistent that we go and decorate his grave.  Another strange and awkward.  I know all about buying things a baby needs...but knowing what kind of flowers to buy for your baby's grave was not something I was sure of.  I appreciate Natalie's insistence.  After we decorated Seth's grave and stood back to look I could hear the birds singing.  I could hear the water flowing in a nearby waterfall.  It was somehow a little bit comforting.   Strange and awkward, but comforting nonetheless.

I have experienced the loss of loved ones before but I haven't given much thought to their resting place for their earthly shell.  I haven't actually visited the graves of loved ones much.  And if I have I am not sure what I have thought about or talked about.  Yet suddenly, awkwardly I am trying to figure out what I should do when I visit Seth's grave. Do I cry? Do I pray?  Do I sit in silence?  Do I talk out loud?

See this place is a sacred place to me.  It holds within it's dirt my baby boy's precious earthly shell.  It is hiding in it's depth a memory box.  This white box contains the memories of a baby I once held deep within my womb. A baby who was knit together as my heartbeat in harmony with his.   It holds the memories of a little body that once kicked inside my belly.  It contains the memories of the hiccups and the times he sucked his thumb. 

It also contains the memories that were meant to come but won't.  It has in it the dreams I had of holding this baby and watching him grow.  It contains the reminder of the little things I will be missing out on like kissing a scraped knee or holding a little hand to cross the street. 

So when I visit this place known as "Seth's grave" it gives me a chance to visit this memory box in my mind.  There with it's pretty blue flowers, the dragonfly, and a pinwheel that is blowing in the wind, I can come and remember.  I can listen to the birds singing.  I can hear the trickle of the waterfall.  This will be a backdrop as I open this precious memory box in my mind and remember and dream about the memories held inside.  It won't be so strange and awkard afterall.

And as I am ready to leave I will pray.   I will thank God over and over again for allowing me to be Seth's mommy.  I will praise God for His tender mercy. I will ask Him to keep these memories safe for me.  And I will ask for His comfort and peace.  And I will trust Him.  I will have to.