Silence

I am not used to Silence! I have a very noisy home. I am very blessed. I was about to give birth to my 6th blessing, a son named Seth. Yes 6 children. I told you I wasn't used to Silence! I couldn't wait. I was 39 weeks pregnant. I was enduring and enjoying the last few moments of my pregnancy. It was almost time. I had everything ready for Seth to come home. All of his clothes were washed. His bed was made. My hospital bag was packed. The cameras were ready. I had child care lined up for my other children.

My labor had started.  I had some contractions Friday night.  But they had eased up by Saturday morning.  My contractions picked up again Saturday night.  Whenever it started for sure I was in labor. I was excited.  I was finally going to meet my baby.  Through the night I would wake up with contractions, get up, take a bath, go back to sleep repeat!! I was just waiting for the right time to go to the hospital. Morning came and the contractions slowed down again. I went to church with my family that morning.

I came home and told my husband we would be going to the hospital soon. I went to take a bath and this incredible, overwhelming feeling came over me....Seth is not moving. I tried to make him move. I tried listening for his heartbeat...... Silence. I became hysterical. My husband helped me and we found what we thought was a heartbeat. I decided we should go to the hospital right away. I was in labor and the contractions were coming closer and closer.

At the hospital when she put the monitor on and it was quiet...Silence...I knew. They thought they found a trace of a heartbeat. But then they determined it was heartbeat beating about 125 beats per minute. I went into complete shock. I know they did an ultrasound. They asked me my baby's name. I said Seth. And then she told me. "I am sorry but Seth has passed away." I just froze in that moment. It was like I wasn't even there. They continued to look at my baby with the ultrasound. I couldn't even feel the wand on my belly.

The next couple of hours were a bit confusing. They kept telling me that when I was ready they would induce labor. Hello...I came into this hospital in labor. After they couldn't find his heartbeat they didn't check me nor monitor my contractions. Finally, my doctor noticed I was having them. I got an epidural and potocin. But before even a drop of the potocin reached my arm they checked me and I was complete and ready to deliver. I delivered Seth at 7:48 p.m. on March 18. There was Silence. He weighed 7 lbs. 6 oz. and was 19 inches long. He was so beautiful. Perfect in every way...except for the fact he was not breathing. I can't stop thinking about if I had just gone in sooner. Maybe?

I spent my 2 days in the hospital. I held Seth often. I introduced him to my other children. We had pictures taken of him. We had a "Name Blessing" ceremony. I talked with the care nurse and chaplain often. I was surrounded by my closet friends and family. I said goodbye. We left the hospital and went straight to the funeral home. We made all the arrangements for his memorial service. We had the memorial service last Friday.

Someone please wake me up and tell me this has been a nightmare. That I can go back in time and everything will be ok. I should be holding my precious Seth Josiah. I was not supposed to make his casket his cradle. This Silence is still haunting me.