Pathology Report: Do they know what happened?

I realize now that I am being asked a lot about what happened to Seth.  Why was he stillborn?  Do they know what happened? I understand that.  I have had those same questions as I was going through this.  My doctor even knew I would need to know.  His first response was that they are not always able to explain it.  They shared some ideas at first.....there may have not been enough fluid, they be something wrong with the baby genetically, there maybe an infection, there maybe something wrong with the placenta,  there maybe be kinks or knots in the cord.  We may know more after the baby is delivered.

Seth was delivered and there were no answers.  There were no signs of infection, there were no signs of anything being wrong with the placenta, there were no knots or obvious kinks in the cord.  And Seth was perfect and certainly there were not any signs that something was wrong with him genetically.   He weighed 7 lbs and 6 oz.  Obviously he had been growing and thriving in my womb. 

So the doctor's told me that didn't know what happened.  Stillbirth happens and they just aren't able to explain it.  The next step was to send the placenta away for pathology.  And of course they took my blood to see if there were any answers there.  Did you read that?  They took my blood to see if there were any answers there.  See it must be something that I did wrong.  What did I do to my baby?  It must be my fault that he died.  I was afterall the one responsible for him.  My mind became consumed.  I was coming up with a 101 reasons why my baby died and all of them were my fault. I couldn't do anything but blame myself. They pointed to me and all I could think about was why I didn't do something to help him. 

Last week I called my doctor's office and asked if the pathology report had any answers.  The nurse said she could not read the report to me, but that I could come in and sit down and talk with my doctor.  I made an appointment and went in to see my doctor.

Going to the doctor's office was complete torture for me.  I was flooded with the memories and emotion of having gone there for months as my baby was growing.  There were other pregnant women there waiting to be seen.  My nurse called me back and the tears started flowing down my face.  She gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was.  My doctor came in and told me how sorry she was. 

And then she was ready to discuss the pathology report.....She said that yes that pathology report did show something.  She said the pathology report showed there were blood clots on the fetal side of the placenta.  She even game the medical term...but I don't remember it.   The blood clots indicate that Seth's cord was compressed.  This most likely happened while I was having contractions.  The cord was compressed between him and my uterine wall.  She said it would not take long for this to have cut off Seth's oxygen supply.  She wanted me know that Seth did not feel any pain.  He just closed his little eyes and went to sleep. And she wanted me to think about how I was cradling him in my womb when he passed away. 

There it is an answer.  Do I believe it? Yes I guess I can.I left the appointment and I had a sense of peace.  There really was nothing I could do.  It is still hard to not blame myself.  I am trying to work through this a little bit each day.  The guilt I know will destroy me if I let it.  Even with a medical opinion with how he died he doesn't explain to my heart why this happened.  I just doesn't make sense.