The pain is still so strong. Somedays it feels even stronger than it did in the beginning. Surviving the death of a child doesn't just mean being able to live through that one day when he died. It means being able to live everyday after that. And the next day and the next day and the next day. All of this pain. Will I ever find my way again?
I want to see Beautiful Things again. I want God to make Beautiful Things out of me. Maybe He already is...He must be. How else can explain how I am actually still breathing? Is He making me new? At the moment I don't feel new. I feel old and tired and ugly and lonely. I can't imagine living the rest of my life in this condition.
I don't want my life to be defined as a mother who lost her baby. A mother who is so sad she just couldn't go on. I need hope to bloom in me today. I need life to spring up from my painful heart. Seth means so much more to me than the pain that consumes me. He is beautiful to me.
I want to find my way. I want my way to be filled with Beautiful Things.
Thanks to Hope at Hope in Bloom and Jayne for introducing this song to me. It is giving me new hope today. Please Dear God continue to make "Beautiful Things" out of us.