Monday, March 18, 2013

Seth's birthday

Today was your birthday! We had a cake. We had a candle. We had balloons. We looked at your pictures. We held your things. The only thing missing was you! 
Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.


Letters to Heaven

photo credit: small bird studios

Dear Seth,
If I could write a letter to heaven, I would tell you "Happy, Happy Birthday my sweet boy!"  I wonder what birthdays are like in heaven.  Do you get a cake all your own and make a mess with it?  Did Jesus clean off the frosting off your sweet little face? Do the angels sing the "Happy Birthday" song to you?  I know, I know honey I might be asking silly questions today.  That is ok!  Mommy can pretend today because it is your birthday. 
I will admit selfishly that I would rather be watching you get all messy with cake. I would like to be the one to pick you up all covered in frosting and give your special 1st birthday bath. I long to smell the scent of baby wash in your skin and see you giggle with glee.  I wish I could know what you look like on this day. 
It makes me wonder would you laugh as we sang to you or would you cry thinking it was strange?  Laughing or crying I wish I could just hear your voice. It has been much too quiet in our very noisy house without you. They say there are no tears in heaven.  So I guess today you must be laughing.   I am glad there are no tears in heaven, and that you have never cried at all.   But I must admit to you baby boy I have cried so many tears this past year. A mother just cannot forget her baby. It makes so sad to not have you apart of our lives everyday. So many tell me so often how wonderful heaven is for you and much God loves you. I am convinced it has to be. Heaven has to be beautiful and miraculous, and incredible beyond description.   It has to be!  This would be the only way heaven could be a better place for you than you being cradled in my mothering arms. 
If I could write a letter to heaven there would be so much I would tell you and yet I feel a loss of words.  My heart feels so heavy now that it has kept beating for a year without you.  Life has gone on and there is so much I could tell you about this past year.  But honestly sweet boy if I had a chance to write you letter to heaven none of this would really matter.  I would want to tell you more than anything how much I love you.  I am so proud to be your mommy.  I was chosen for you and you for me.  I think I would need more than a letter to heaven to exactly explain my love for you.  Oh how I hope you know.  I hope you have always known.  I hope you never forget.  I love you Seth Josiah today on your birthday and always. 
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.