Raw Emotion

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous,

and His ears are open to their cry.

--Psalm 34:15 (NASB)

It is Monday and I am crying.  I am crying a lot and I can't seem to stop.  I am even experiencing anxiety that could at any moment turn into a full blown panic attack.  My emotions are so raw today.   It is just a Monday, but today is not just one of those days that is just hard, but one that is harder.    Is my body and mind trying to catch up with one another?  My body has been saying for weeks that I have just given birth to a baby.  My mind keeps telling me that my baby is dead.   But my heart just keeps screaming "I want my baby back."   Maybe I am just struggling my way through the denial stage of grief into the reality.  Am I just now realizing that my baby is not coming back?  Ever!

I don't feel much like living today, yet I don't feel like dying either. I feel nothing and then a whole bunch of something all at once. I feel numb. I feel pain. I feel sad. I feel mad. I don't feel like I am going to survive this. Why do I have to survive this?

Please don't be alarmed by my words. Yes, my emotions are raw and real. This is just my journey from experiencing greif to finding healing. Today, the tears will not cease, but eventually they will. It is just a Monday and I feel deep, deep pain.

Incline Thine ear, O Lord, and answer me;

For I am afflicted and needy....

To thee I cry all day long. Psalm 86:1, 3 (NASB)

You put my tears in your bottle;

are they not in your book?

--Psalm 56:8 (NASB)

"A teardrop on earth summons the King of heaven" (Charles Swindoll)