Friday, November 15, 2013

He is STILL my Baby lest I Remember

I haven't written about Seth in such a long time.  I am not sure why not really and yet I am absolutely sure why not. It is not like he is not STILL on my mind.  Would you ever stop thinking about one of your children?  He is there.  At times I find him there and I think to myself "I really should write about this, get it out of mind, record the thoughts of him. After all, these are more proof he was here." I find excuses as to why I let the thoughts go without recording them...I am just so busy with the kids. Sitting at the computer and trying to write just seems too complicated right now.  What if I start writing and the right words don't come? They might not make any sense at all.  I might open my grief box and the tears, the pain may be too much. Again. I even think to myself....what if someone reads what I wrote and they simply don't understand why I am still so heavily filled with grief, sadness, the questions, the longing for a baby whose name they are unsure about saying around me anymore.

So instead I spend time reading what others have written. I strangely find comfort from their words.  I feel understood by complete strangers while I walk in my real life ever wondering what others really think about my "traumatic" life event. The one that is unimaginable and too hard too believe.  I worry they see me as the woman who had a dead baby.  And then almost worse I worry that they look at me and forget it even happened too me.  They forget HIM.

I am filled with thoughts I just don't mention except to a very select few.  And even then I worry I have said those thoughts too often. I hear myself talking about it, mentioning him all the time, and yet it feels like STILL no one really knows him at all.  I wish I would write about him more.  It is all I have to keep the memory of him.  He lived.....he died.  Then his story was left to be told.  I STILL want to tell it.  So I am.

I am wondering myself too what convinced me at 4 am to go ahead and give in to the urge to record the thoughts...and this is it.  I woke up at 3 am unable to sleep.  I ran across this story.... 

Yes, that is me too.  I opened the story curious as to what she had to say.  Her words, her thoughts were too familiar.  I started thinking of those in my life I wanted to read it.  I want you to read it and I want to feel understood. I want you to know this... I found myself screaming inside..."Yes, this! This is what I STILL think about. This is what I STILL want to tell others about my son.  The one I named Seth.  Oh I STILL miss him terribly."

Please take a minute and read this mother's motherhood story.  Maybe it won't have the same impact on you as it does me.  But I think selfishly I want you to read this mother's story while placing me in her story because it matches up to so much of my story of stillbirth, to my thoughts of a life without my son Seth.  I have had many of these same thoughts, these familiar memories in my head but have been too unsure to write out.  If I am really honest though I want them shared.  Her words...her thoughts they remind me of my own.  If you are a mother who has experienced stillbirth too.  I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to your baby.  I hope her words bring comfort...a feeling of being understood.  If you are a friend of mine I hope you hear her voice as one that speaks for me too.  I STILL want to be asked about my son.  I STILL want to hear his name.  I know you don't always understand what it is like to have a Stillborn baby.  I wish I didn't either but I do.  I know you may not always know what to say to me about Seth.  But just telling me that you remember I have a son named Seth speaks volumes to my heart.