Retail Therapy

I hate to admit it, but I have been wearing the same clothes for days.  It just seems easier to get up and put the same clothes on.  I am not even really looking in the mirror much these days.  I don't feel like I look well so what is the point.  And I am so consumed with the pain and roller coaster of emotions I can't even notice what I am wearing.  Well, that is not exactly true.  I do notice what I am not wearing.  I am not wearing maternity clothes anymore.  Put those away.  I am not wearing the wardrobe I had planned to be wearing now....nursing shirts and capris.  Don't need those.  And every shirt I picked up seemed to remind me of a life before Seth.  A life before I knew what it felt like to have someone so sacred taken away.  So I just put on the same shirt everyday.  Well, my friend noticed.  She not only noticed I was wearing the same shirt.  But she noticed it was because of my grief.  So she set me up for Retail Therapy today. 

I am not much for going places these days. I don't feel like myself.  The self I knew before Seth died.  The places I hate going to most right now are stores.  I feel overwhelmed in big spaces.     I will fall in and out of zoning moments.  One moment I can think normal, talk normal.  And then without warning I am zoning off thinking about Seth.  And I usually fall into deep thought trying to make sense of what just happened in my life.  At least at home I can stand at my kitchen window and stare out the window.  Or I can decide to log on here and blog what I am thinking.  But in public places there is no where to hide, no where to run, no where to cry.  But I know that I can't keep away from people and places forever.  There are things my family needs.  And there is a need to do things I used to do.  Today I chose to go to Wal-Mart.  I am so thankful my friend agreed to go with me. 

We were driving to Wal-Mart  and she decides that before we go there we would go to CATO's.  She said she thinks that I should go and buy a new shirt today.  Nothing like a friend being completely frank about your wardrobe.  "It is time to change your clothes!"  Ok, she didn't exactly say that but I knew she loved me enough to help take another step.  I said ok.  I went inside and it felt so good to just be a woman shopping for clothes.  It even surprised me.  I didn't miss my baby for the 20 or so minutes we were in there.  I wasn't even focused on being a Mommy.  Just a girl who needed a new outfit. 

So I picked out my first choice.  It was an outfit straight off the mannequin....because that IS how I do my best shopping.  Why not?  The outfit is all picked out and ready to wear right?  Sure I will just take it all....shirt, vest, tank, and jewelry!  It felt GREAT.  So I looked around the store some more...found another shirt....and another shirt....oh and a pair of jeans.  I will take it.  Ring me up!  It was incredible to leave my grief.  I mean really leave it.  RETAIL THERAPY!   I was enjoying the shopping. I was enjoying picking out something for myself. 

I did make it through Wal-Mart, too in case you are wondering.  I did find myself zoning out, but I was able to accomplish my shopping tasks.  And my shopping buddy was there to help me through it! 

I know and trust that my grief will not always feel this overwhelming. I know that I am changed forever.  I am having to learn how to go on living without a part of me...my son.   And I know as hard as it is  to take new steps I must keep taking them to find healing. 

My next step today is to take a shower and actually put on the new clothes....maybe even before my husband gets home.