Thoughts of Him

My sweet baby boy!  So many thoughts of him.
Love, longing, some joy and lots of pain.
He is on my mind.

Am I thinking about this child of mine too much? 
I try not to think of him but my brain takes on a mind of it's own of such.
It seems to choose the thoughts and memories of this boy who is mine.
And so I think of him all the time. 

Some suggest that I need to busy myself
So I don't think of him all the time.
I am busy, he is on my mind. 
Some suggest that I need to spend
More time with my other children. 
I am with my sweet kiddos all the time, he is on my mind. 

Some suggest I go out with friends and be carefree.
I try to leave my thoughts at home, but they come along with me.
Some suggest that I need to spend more time with God
And His grace I will find.
Yes I find His grace and thoughts of heaven too,
They must have forgot where my baby boy resides. 
He is on my mind. 

Some suggest I get some sleep. 
I fall asleep and I am startled awake and he is on my mind. 
This is not always the sweet memories but the trauma that taunts me here. 
I hate waking up to the rememberance of what happened to us, him and I. 
I hate to remember hearing he did die. 
I hate to remember that I had to give birth to him to only say goodbye. 
You see he is on my mind. 

I have woke once or twice without him there. 
It is in these moments I panic too. 
I am worried that I have forgotten him much too soon. 
I search my mind frantically for the memories of him there. 
And he is on my mind. 

I finally wake to the morning light.  And he is on my mind. 
Not like when the morning is new and the day has so much in store,
No it is the reality of the memory that he is no more.
I fight to push the memory back for awhile to force myself up with the dawn. 
He is on my mind. Oh, I pause, I sigh and wish he was not gone.

I put on a smile and try to pretend I am alive and he is on my mind. 
I want to scream out loud all these thoughts I keep inside. 
He is on my mind. 
I want to let him be this little baby boy who is my son. 
But that isn't always who he is in my mind. 
I get lost in the guilt and shame and the tears flow from my eyes. 
He is on my mind. 

I need a break from these thoughts of him.
I don't know how to escape my mind who holds him near
Because it is my heart that holds him so very dear. 
So I choose to live with him on my mind.