It is Still Raining

 I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I can't quite remember a summer like this.  It has been much like a drought.  The ground appears as though we have moved to the desert. It has been dry and cracked.  No flower has survived it. It has been so hot.  The lack of rain has left the heat feeling relentless.  And yet even in this heat and clear absence of rain I feel my storm continue. 

The storm came without warning.  I did not see the clouds or hear the thunder.  I did not get a forecast suggesting it would be arriving.  Lightening simply struck and my baby was gone. The loud thunder followed the silence of the deliver room.  And the tears began to fall in the rhythm of the raindrops.  The rain came crashing down and all around me I felt the strength of the storm beat on me. My baby had died.  I was certain I too would be lost in this storm.  It had no mercy. 

As with any storm there has been varying levels of energy.  Sometimes it has been raging and the emotions that came with it were intense.  Other times it has been so strong that all I could do was sit defeated and wait for it to lift.  And then the thunder ceased and I thought the storm was at an end.  Yet the rain did not stop. The mood of the rain so intimately matches the mood deep in me, sadness.

And today it is still raining.  The grief of Seth's death is still present in my mind and in my heart. It is not currently an intense storm of such, but it is still drenching me with fear and lack of confidence.   It still carries with it dark clouds that hold the threat of a downpour that will rock my boat about and leave me clinging for my life.  I am searching for the glimpses of the sun peaking through.  I am ready for the clouds to leave and let the sun beat down on my face for a change.  It shines at me a little when I see my children smile, when I laugh at something a friend has said, when I feel close to my husband again.  I am ready for more.  I want the rain to cease. It may not.

This Sunday I heard a song at church that met me right where I am in this storm.  I Fear it!  I feared it before it began and I fear it's strength and edurance as it has continued to rain in my life.  I fear the storm may never cease.  I fear that the sunshine will not shine in my life as it once did. I fear the storm has stolen my joy. The song is Always and it words say "I will not fear the storm" because God's help is on the way.

I can feel the change in the weather outside. The coolness has broken the heat even if it still hasn't rained. It speaks to a hope that the drought will be over soon. One day soon the rain will fall on the hard broken ground and bring a softness to the cracks.  The rain will give the flowers a drink and they will pose a bloom. The promise of life will spring up from the once dry ground again.  I am hopeful in drought or storm that His promise is true. God will not delay as I rely on Him as my refuge and strength He will come through.

I am not sure what my life will look like as this storm changes even possibly ceases.  But I am ready. I don't want to fear the storm anymore. I am ready for God to come through. I am ready for what the future holds. I want to know what possibly God could have in store to bring me joy even comparable to joy lost. I have my own ideas of what I want it to look like. It is hard to give up on those ideas and simply trust. Trust the unknown. Trust the calm. Trust that He will continue to comfort me as the storm has it's own way about me. Resist the urge to call me brave or strong I am just not. But I am trying to be faithful. Faithful to a God who will ALWAYS come through in the drought and in the storm.  ALWAYS.