Ready to Be Much Muchier

I am sitting outside today enjoying the sunshine, the birds singing, the soft wind blowing, cool breeze flowing. It is a peaceful place. And the truth is I actually like sitting here.  I am pondering, reflecting, breathing it all in.

Certainly never in my life have I experienced such a struggle between giving up or moving forward.  Never has it been more difficult to choose to move forward. There have been so many moments over the past few months that giving up seemed easier to me.  But truth is that moving forward is always the best choice.

As I am sitting here today with a clearer mind I am ready to re-discover who I am after a tremendous loss of love, promise, and future.  I have been lost for months now.   I have been searching for the me and along the way have discoverd some amazing women who understand what it feels like to be so lost.

And as they say one thing leads to another that is just what has been happening on this vast place of internet.  Today I find myself being intrigued by the quote "I used to be much muchier, but then I lost my muchness."  Now that sums up a lot about how I have been feeling.  The neat thing is Tova of findingmymuchness.com chose a creative way to find her  muchness again. She decided to challenge herself to find her muchness for 30 days.  She loved the result so much that she decided to invite other women along.

I want to join her.  The next 30 day challenge is "Muchness Meets Photography".  How cool is that?  How neat the timing since one of my Project Heal ideas is to take a photography class.  I am taking an online class and this challenge will fit with it so nicely.

Hmm..it makes me wonder what is my muchness?  I am not sure anymore.  Tova's muchness was first found in wearing sequins and glitter everday for 30 days.  She photographed herself in bling and posted it to facebook everyday.  I love it but I am not sure that is me. I do love how simple the assignment. I still need simple right now.

I feel this boldness brewing inside of me. I am ready to fight harder to move forward. I am ready to find myself and be the woman God intended me to be. I know He designed me for life, this life. I can't wait to see if my muchness is bold as well.  I want to be as bold as backpacking up a mountain.  I have a friend who just returned from such an experience.  I am in awe in reading her blog detail the trip.  Amazing. Reality check that may much to muchier for me right now.

This week I am on a mission to start to discover my muchness.  I love that it can be anywhere between wearing a little bling to climbing a mountain.  The sky really is the limit.  But maybe it would be wise to start with my Project Heal list and see where that leads me.

I am ready to be much Muchier again!

What about you? Are you joining the 30 day Muchness Meets Photography challenge. Comment below and let me know so I can look you up over at
findingmymuchness.com .

Thoughts of Him

My sweet baby boy!  So many thoughts of him.
Love, longing, some joy and lots of pain.
He is on my mind.

Am I thinking about this child of mine too much? 
I try not to think of him but my brain takes on a mind of it's own of such.
It seems to choose the thoughts and memories of this boy who is mine.
And so I think of him all the time. 

Some suggest that I need to busy myself
So I don't think of him all the time.
I am busy, he is on my mind. 
Some suggest that I need to spend
More time with my other children. 
I am with my sweet kiddos all the time, he is on my mind. 

Some suggest I go out with friends and be carefree.
I try to leave my thoughts at home, but they come along with me.
Some suggest that I need to spend more time with God
And His grace I will find.
Yes I find His grace and thoughts of heaven too,
They must have forgot where my baby boy resides. 
He is on my mind. 

Some suggest I get some sleep. 
I fall asleep and I am startled awake and he is on my mind. 
This is not always the sweet memories but the trauma that taunts me here. 
I hate waking up to the rememberance of what happened to us, him and I. 
I hate to remember hearing he did die. 
I hate to remember that I had to give birth to him to only say goodbye. 
You see he is on my mind. 

I have woke once or twice without him there. 
It is in these moments I panic too. 
I am worried that I have forgotten him much too soon. 
I search my mind frantically for the memories of him there. 
And he is on my mind. 

I finally wake to the morning light.  And he is on my mind. 
Not like when the morning is new and the day has so much in store,
No it is the reality of the memory that he is no more.
I fight to push the memory back for awhile to force myself up with the dawn. 
He is on my mind. Oh, I pause, I sigh and wish he was not gone.

I put on a smile and try to pretend I am alive and he is on my mind. 
I want to scream out loud all these thoughts I keep inside. 
He is on my mind. 
I want to let him be this little baby boy who is my son. 
But that isn't always who he is in my mind. 
I get lost in the guilt and shame and the tears flow from my eyes. 
He is on my mind. 

I need a break from these thoughts of him.
I don't know how to escape my mind who holds him near
Because it is my heart that holds him so very dear. 
So I choose to live with him on my mind.

Monkey Monday

It is Monkey Monday.  It is back to school time at our house.  My 3 middle children have now all had the same beautiful kindergarten teacher.  She labels the days of the week with an animal to help kids learn the all of the days.  Today is their first Monkey Monday back in school.  I had to laugh when they were talking about Monkey Monday over the weekend.  It is a bummer to have the weekend over.  Monkey Monday is somehow just a little more fun to look forward to.  I hope my kiddos have a fun day at school.  They made to the bus and are on their way to school.  I miss them!  I can't wait until they get back home.

Seth Josiah -- Day of Hope

Thinking of my baby boy, Seth Josiah today, Day of Hope Aug. 19, 2012

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

--Author Unknown

Letters to Heaven

Photo Credit: Small Bird Studio

Dear Seth,

If I could write a letter to heaven I would tell you I can't get you off of my mind, my precious Baby Seth.  It has been five months since you went to heaven.  I wish I didn't have tears in my eyes every time I think of you.  I don't think you would want Mommy to cry so much.  I cannot believe it has been five months since I said goodbye to you. I would so love holding you as a five month old if I could for only one day.   I would love to see you look at me and smile big as if to shout out loud  I am your Mommy and your most very favorite person in the whole world.  If I could write a letter to heaven I would ask you, do you know what I look like?  I fully trust you know the sound of my voice, but I wonder if you would recognize me in heaven.

There is nothing sweeter to a Mommy than sweet hugs from her children.  Today I will be extra thankful for the hugs I get from your brothers and sisters.    I sometimes close my eyes and pretend you are sending hugs to me to.  I can't decide if  it is really possible.  But if I could write a letter to heaven and ask God for one thing to make it easier to live without you I would ask for some hugs and kisses from you.  I would catch them as they fell upon on me and never let them go.


I choose today to celebrate you!  Seth you were longed for, cherished, loved!  The other day I had a banana split. I know it sounds silly, but it was my little way to celebrate you.  I loved banana splits when I was pregnant with you. If I could write a letter to heaven I would ask you if you remember the sweet taste of ice cream in my womb.   I am so glad we were able to share the little things while you were here. It makes me wonder are there really sweet things like banana splits in heaven?

I love you forever.  I like you for always.  As long as I am living my baby you will be. 

Love,
Mommy

Wordless Wednesday

I am so excited to try something new.  I have seen Wordless Wednesday as a weekly post idea.  Today I ran across an cool to twist to this idea on Fresh Mommy.  Her take:  Hump Day Dump!  She simply dumped the photos from her iphone from the week.  The pictures speak an adorable story.  I love it.  It is also encourages me to take lots of photos during the week if only with my phone.  Hope you enjoyed my first  attempt at a Hump Day Dump/Wordless Wednesday!  Linking up with my very first Wordless Wednesday at  Fresh Mommy and Keeping Up with the Reinlanders.

It is Still Raining

 I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I can't quite remember a summer like this.  It has been much like a drought.  The ground appears as though we have moved to the desert. It has been dry and cracked.  No flower has survived it. It has been so hot.  The lack of rain has left the heat feeling relentless.  And yet even in this heat and clear absence of rain I feel my storm continue. 

The storm came without warning.  I did not see the clouds or hear the thunder.  I did not get a forecast suggesting it would be arriving.  Lightening simply struck and my baby was gone. The loud thunder followed the silence of the deliver room.  And the tears began to fall in the rhythm of the raindrops.  The rain came crashing down and all around me I felt the strength of the storm beat on me. My baby had died.  I was certain I too would be lost in this storm.  It had no mercy. 

As with any storm there has been varying levels of energy.  Sometimes it has been raging and the emotions that came with it were intense.  Other times it has been so strong that all I could do was sit defeated and wait for it to lift.  And then the thunder ceased and I thought the storm was at an end.  Yet the rain did not stop. The mood of the rain so intimately matches the mood deep in me, sadness.

And today it is still raining.  The grief of Seth's death is still present in my mind and in my heart. It is not currently an intense storm of such, but it is still drenching me with fear and lack of confidence.   It still carries with it dark clouds that hold the threat of a downpour that will rock my boat about and leave me clinging for my life.  I am searching for the glimpses of the sun peaking through.  I am ready for the clouds to leave and let the sun beat down on my face for a change.  It shines at me a little when I see my children smile, when I laugh at something a friend has said, when I feel close to my husband again.  I am ready for more.  I want the rain to cease. It may not.

This Sunday I heard a song at church that met me right where I am in this storm.  I Fear it!  I feared it before it began and I fear it's strength and edurance as it has continued to rain in my life.  I fear the storm may never cease.  I fear that the sunshine will not shine in my life as it once did. I fear the storm has stolen my joy. The song is Always and it words say "I will not fear the storm" because God's help is on the way.

I can feel the change in the weather outside. The coolness has broken the heat even if it still hasn't rained. It speaks to a hope that the drought will be over soon. One day soon the rain will fall on the hard broken ground and bring a softness to the cracks.  The rain will give the flowers a drink and they will pose a bloom. The promise of life will spring up from the once dry ground again.  I am hopeful in drought or storm that His promise is true. God will not delay as I rely on Him as my refuge and strength He will come through.

I am not sure what my life will look like as this storm changes even possibly ceases.  But I am ready. I don't want to fear the storm anymore. I am ready for God to come through. I am ready for what the future holds. I want to know what possibly God could have in store to bring me joy even comparable to joy lost. I have my own ideas of what I want it to look like. It is hard to give up on those ideas and simply trust. Trust the unknown. Trust the calm. Trust that He will continue to comfort me as the storm has it's own way about me. Resist the urge to call me brave or strong I am just not. But I am trying to be faithful. Faithful to a God who will ALWAYS come through in the drought and in the storm.  ALWAYS.

Ideas and Projects

I am unsettled, ansy, fidgeting.  I need something to do to get this out of my system.

The end of summer is near.  It has been filled with baseball, swimming, vacation, family, friends, laughter, and grief.  The kids will be back in school soon.  I am not ready yet.  I like having them home.  Soon, though the routine will be set, the bus will come, and they will be away at school during the day.  I am worried about the silence it will create in my house.  I am feeling a need to prepare to fill it.

I doubt I will fill it with noise but I hope I can use the quiet to further my journey of healing and finding the new me.  So I have been creating a list in my mind of projects and activities.  I am not a good make a list and check it off kinda girl.  No, I am more of a dreamer who loves to come up with lots of ideas.  So this is more list of ideas.  I will not hold myself accountable if I don't finish the list, but I hope I do.

List of ideas for Project Heal

• Take a photography class -- I am really excited about this one!
• Organize a room aka do all the mundane household chores with enthusiasm :-)
• Attend the Designed For Life women's conference
• Write, write, write. Because I like to write
• Go Blog Hopping
• Try something new
• Read a book with my oldest daughter--her pick
• Paint a room
• Take a walk with a friend
• Take a walk by myself
• Create a peaceful place
• Listen to Christian music and dive into devotion with God

And there it is a list that gives me permission to make the most of the quiet during the day. The list is simple, I need simple.   I can't wait to showcase it all here.  My goal is to fill myself with energy so when the bell rings and the kiddos come home I will be ready to embrace them well and feed them, make sure homework gets done, bathe them, and tuck them in.  I don't want to miss a moment of them!

Car Wash Through Dialated Eyes

Are you intrigued by the title?  I am going for a whole to creative bent to this blog.  My 4th born Adam is the subject for today.  He is so adorable.  Ok I may be biased, but I love him. Adam is all middle child!  He can get nervous easy, is really loud when he is offended, is a "quiet" trouble maker/instigator, and is so incredibly sweet. He likes firetrucks, frogs, brocolli, oranges, and strawberries.  He has a slight addiction to gummies aka fruit snacks and he falls asleep every night with his green blanket.  He also loves going to the car wash.  It is instant entertainment for him.  In fact, I bribe him with a car wash to get him to go the places he is uncertain of like the doctor and dentist.  Today, it was the kindergarten eye appointment.  Following the eye doctor which he passed with with flying colors we drove through the car wash on the way home.  Hence the title "Car wash through dialated eyes!"  Here is what we saw!

The car wash audience.  It was a hit!  5 stars for sure.  Did it actually clean the van?  I am not sure, but the smile it brought to Adam's face! Priceless

Sweet Faces of My Children

The past few weeks have been busy.  We have been "vacationing" with family and friends.  It has been refreshing, encouraging. And my assignment from my counselor....Life is for the living.  Living I am doing.  I have found a place for my grief upon the shelf.  I still need time to grieve and work through the sadness.  But I am choosing the "when" I take the grief box down and open it up.  This has given me the idea that this blog can also transform from only grieving to also living as well.  Sure I will need to use this place as a way to work through my grief thoughts.  But I also want it to be a place where I can display the living again part. What better way to transform this blog than to include the sweet faces of my children.  It is in their eyes I find beautiful reasons to smile.