Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day!  I am happy.  I am sad.  Here is how I will make this important day special to me. 

I had "Muffins with Mom" with my daughter Lydia!  I received a picture of Lydia.  It was beautiful.  She made me a picture frame and planted me a flower.  This made me happy.

I remembered that all I have of Seth is pictures.  This made me sad.

Adam made me a card and planted me a flower.  The card included a bag of tea and a little poem.  This made me happy.

I remembered all the cards I received after Seth was born.  The cards were sent to me because my baby died. This made me sad.

I arrived home to find flowers on my porch.  The vase contained 6 roses.  There were 4 red roses for my boys and 2 white roses for my girls.  The card said "Happy Mother's Day!  We Love You!  Natalie, Benjamin, Lydia, Adam, Caleb, and Seth"  This made me happy!

I thought about how this Mother's Day I was to be holding 6 children.  One of them is missing.  This made me sad.

Caleb gave me a hug.  He told me he loved me. Then he brought me two slim jims and said "One for you and One for me ok?"   This made me happy.

I realized I will never hear Seth say these words.  This made me sad.

Natalie made me chocolate covered strawberries.  This made me happy.

I rememeberd the tears that fell down Natalie's face when we were told that Seth's heart had stopped beating.  This made me sad.

Ben made me a Mother's Day card.  He wrote the words "I love you"  He also wrote that he thinks I am a cool mom because I let him play with his friends.   This made me happy. 

I remembered that I won't get to watch Seth play with his brothers.  This made me sad. 

I  got a card in the mail this week from the hospital where I delivered Seth.  Inside was a beautiful poem and a mom ring.  This made me cry.  Yet, it made me happy.

I decided it is ok to be both happy and sad on this my first Mother's Day after loosing Seth.  I can have joy today even though I also feel pain. 

This is my Mother's Day.   I am going to laugh when I see my children do something funny.  I am going to smile at their silly ways.  I am going to be thankful on this day when I still have to get them a cup of milk instead of taking the day off.  I will cry today. I love all of my children deeply. Today I am a mother who is celebrating Mother's Day as a mom who knows both the joy and the pain.  These are the feelings I signed up for when I chose to become a mom.  I will never regret being a MOM!

And Mom this day is about you too! I know it has been so hard on you to watch me suffer such pain.  I know what it is like to so desperately want to make everything ok for your child and you just can't.  I get it!  I really do.  Thanks for always loving me.  I love you too!