There is this ONE moment that my mind plays over and over and over. I can remember Seth making this quivering, shaking feeling. It was like hiccups exaggerated. It was at night. I was laying on my right side. I had my hands on my belly. I remember my thoughts. I remember I thought it was different that he was moving in such a strange way. I wondered for a second if there maybe something wrong with him when he was born. I told myself I would be so glad when he was born so I wouldn't have to worry anymore. He settled down. I went to sleep. I went to sleep as if nothing was wrong. I didn't know he would die.
I never ever thought he would die.
This moment is huge in my mind. I would swear that it lasted 30 minutes. The reality is that it probably only lasted 30 seconds. But that is the 30 seconds I want back.
If I could only go back to that moment I would QUICKLY get up out of my bed. I would have rushed to the hospital. I would have shouted and screamed for the doctors to hurry up and get Seth out of my body. Please cut open my body and save my little boy. I want him to be born--ALIVE!
I am shaking now. I am crying, sobbing uncontrollably. I can't even breathe as I remember it over and over and over again. I am so ashamed that I let my son down. I am angry with myself that I didn't do something, anything to save him.
I feel like I am bargaining with God. Please God let me go back to that moment. I would make the right decision. Please dear God, I will give anything for that moment. I would change it all and I would make sure Seth was alive. God I would do anything....Please God go back and take me and not him. If I had known he was going to die I would have prayed and begged God to let him live. I trying praying it now. It is too late.
I hold in this pain. It smothers me. I decide I can't bear it anymore. I share with my husband and my friend. I cry out to them.
"I should have gotten out bed and saved him! I didn't save him! Why didn't I do something?"
I did nothing. I just went to sleep. I didn't do anything to change it. I didn't know.
They try and comfort me. They tell me it isn't true. They remind me that I did the best I could. My husband is convinced that it wouldn't have mattered. He says even the doctor's ( the experts) aren't exactly sure what happened to Seth. How was I to know more than the "experts".
I pray. I am so broken. I can't live with this pain, this memory. I believe the Lord heard me and this is what he said......
"I still would have said No."
I stop and listen to what God has just said. He said no. He did not give me the why of it all. He just said no.
Now I have a choice in this grief. Do I accept it? I want to. I want to believe Seth's death was beyond my control. I am not there yet. But one day I will believe it. Today I am still struggling....today I still believe I am responsible for his death. Today I still want to blame myself. God wants me to let go. Even if I was able to go back and try it again God told me He still would have said no. I don't understand why God didn't change things for Seth but He does. I have to believe His ways are better than my ways. I will someday. I know when I reach acceptance this will bring me peace. "I still would have said No."
Oh my friend I am so so very sorry. I know this pain all to well. I had some serious panic attacks after Jonathan died thinking I killed him. I begged the lord to tell me it was not my fault. I will tell you what he impressed on my heart.
ReplyDeleteYour eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 This is the scripture that has pulled me through the difficult times I say it out loud and than I say GOD IS IN CONTROL NOT ME. I am praying for you sweet friend you are not alone, you will make it through this. Please email me anytime you need to chat teshapapik@yahoo.com ((((BIG HUGS))))
Dear friend, my heart aches for what you go through... I do understand... I understand the scenarios that run through your head of everything you could have done... I have been there... so many times I felt something before Gabriella's death and just thought she has to be okay bc I recently had seen my doctor... all the if only's I had said to the Lord... dear friend, I understand. It has been 3 years and 5 months since her arrival to Heaven. I can tell you that you never forget, you heart always holds a place for your child, but my experience is that when I surrendered every thought, every blame to the Lord, His peace came. i no longer wanted to be captive of a guilt that never belonged to me. If had started to affect my marriage and family. I knew it was up to me. I knew I had to let go of those thoughts. I knew that I had to accept His sovereign will - for the sake of my own health (literally), my walk with the Lord (I didn't allow my self, for a time, to see the "good" that came from Gabriella's passing - many came to hear of Christ), my marriage, my children, my life!
ReplyDeleteI know that this is very hard, but know that He is there for you... allow Him to show you His goodness. I love the Psalm Tesha mentions above. Know that nothing occurs in our life with out Him knowing. For me, I looked at Gabriella's life and death as God's evident, palpable HAND in my Life. Yes, my daughters death was painful, but HIS HAND WAS CONFORTING ME.
Friend, if you need anything - prayer or just to talk - or even ask a question, please email me at monicagodoy12@gmail.com
God bless you... I will keep you in prayer.
Monica
God's Most PRecious Blog
Baby Angel Momma's Link-up
Kim, as you often come to mind, I am praying for you. I'm praying that God will meet you right where you are. Keep crying out to Him. He knows you best and loves you.
ReplyDeleteGod's peace and big ((HUGS)) to you today!
ReplyDeleteI wish there were words...