Beautiful Things

Can God create something beautiful in me? Can he use all of this PAIN? Can He take all of this hurt and turn it into beauty? Can He take this chaos stirring inside of me and transform it into meaning?

The pain is still so strong.  Somedays it feels even stronger than it did in the beginning.  Surviving the death of a child doesn't just mean being able to live through that one day when he died.  It means being able to live everyday after that.  And the next day and the next day and the next day.    All of this pain.  Will I ever find my way again?


I want to see Beautiful Things again.  I want God to make Beautiful Things out of me.  Maybe He already is...He must be. How else can explain how I am actually still breathing?   Is He making me new?  At the moment I don't feel new.  I feel old and tired and ugly and lonely.  I can't imagine living the rest of my life in this condition. 


I don't want my life to be defined as a mother who lost her baby.  A mother who is so sad she just couldn't go on.  I  need hope to bloom in me today. I need life to spring up from my painful heart. Seth means so much more to me than the pain that consumes me. He is beautiful to me.


I want to find my way.  I want my way to be filled with Beautiful Things.

Thanks to Hope at Hope in Bloom and Jayne for introducing this song to me.  It is giving me new hope today.  Please Dear God continue to  make "Beautiful Things" out of us.

He Said No

There is this ONE moment that my mind plays over and over and over.  I can remember Seth making this quivering, shaking feeling. It was like hiccups exaggerated.   It was at night.  I was laying on my right side.  I had my hands on my belly.  I remember my thoughts.  I remember I thought it was different that he was moving in such a strange way.  I wondered for a second if there maybe something wrong with him when he was born.  I told myself I would be so glad when he was born so I wouldn't have to worry anymore.  He settled down.  I went to sleep. I went to sleep as if nothing was wrong.  I didn't know he would die.

I never ever thought he would die.

This moment is huge in my mind.  I would swear that it lasted 30 minutes.  The reality is that it probably only lasted 30 seconds.  But that is the 30 seconds I want back. 

If I could only go back to that moment I would QUICKLY get up out of my bed.  I would have rushed to the hospital. I would  have shouted and screamed for the doctors to hurry up and get Seth out of my body.  Please cut open my body and save my little boy.  I want him to be born--ALIVE! 

I am shaking now.  I am crying, sobbing uncontrollably.   I can't even breathe as I remember it over and over and over again.  I am so ashamed that I let my son down.  I am angry with myself that I didn't do something, anything to save him. 

I feel like I am bargaining with God. Please God let me go back to that moment.  I would make the right decision.  Please dear God, I will give anything for that moment.  I would change it all and I would make sure Seth was alive.  God I would do anything....Please God go back and take me and not him.  If I had known he was going to die I would have prayed and begged God to let him live.  I trying praying it now.  It is too late.

I hold in this pain.  It smothers me.  I decide I can't bear it anymore.  I share with my husband and my friend.  I cry out to them.

"I should have gotten out bed and saved him!  I didn't save him!  Why didn't I do something?"

 I did nothing. I just went to sleep.  I didn't do anything to change it. I didn't know.
 
They try and comfort me.  They tell me it isn't true. They remind me that I  did the best I could. My husband is convinced that it wouldn't have mattered.  He says even the doctor's ( the experts) aren't exactly sure what happened to Seth.  How was I to know more than the "experts".

I pray.  I am so broken.  I can't live with this pain, this memory.  I believe the Lord heard me and this is what he said......

"I still would have said No."

I stop and listen to what God has just said.  He said no.  He  did not give me the why of it all.  He just said no.

Now I have a choice in this grief.  Do I accept it?  I want to.  I want to believe Seth's death was beyond my control.  I am not there yet.  But one day I will believe it. Today I am still struggling....today I still believe I am responsible for his death.  Today I still want to blame myself.    God wants me to let go.  Even if I was able to go back and try it again God told me He still would have said no.   I don't understand why God didn't change things for Seth but He does. I have to believe His ways are better than my ways.  I will someday.  I know when I reach acceptance this will bring me peace.  "I still would have said No."

Letters to Heaven

Dear Seth,

If I could write a letter to heaven I would tell you that I love you.  I can't believe you are turning 2 months old.  I wish it hadn't been so long since I held you. Mommy misses you so much.  I still cry everyday.  But I am also trying to laugh again too.  It makes me wonder what your laugh would sound like.  You should be smiling big and trying to laugh by now.

You would be almost out of the newborn phase. The newborn phase always goes so fast.  I wish I hadn't missed it.  You would be outgrowing your itty baby clothes.  I wish I had some new pictures of you to see how much you have grown.  I wonder who you look like.  I think I see your face sometimes when I look at Lydia and Adam. 

I am daydreaming about what you would be doing today.  Maybe you would be holding your head up well.  I am sure would have gotten so strong by now.  I would be laying you on your belly for some tummy time.  I would be telling Caleb to be gentle with you.  He would probably be trying to pick you up.  Lydia would be asking to hold you all the time.  She still talks about how she wanted to hold you and change your diaper.  Ben says he wishes he could have played with you. 

If I could write a letter to heaven I would want to know.  Do you grow in heaven? Or will you always stay small just like I remember you so I can cradle you in my arms forever when we see each other again?  Does Jesus hold you?  Does my Grandma hold you?  Have you met your Grandma Kathy?  I can almost imagine her holding you.  I wonder if she was surprised to see you.  You look like your daddy so I know she would have known you right away.   

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  It is such a beautiful day today.  I wish I could take you for a walk.  Just you and me.  Well...and your brothers and sisters.  You will always be their baby brother.  You will always be my precious son.  I love you. 

Love,
Mommy

Warped Sense of Humor

Grief takes everything as you know it and jumbles it all up.  It makes me cry all the time.  It makes my memory feel out of place.  It makes time stand still for me yet in reality it is actually quickly flying by.  I have to grasp at a new unfamiliar to tread through this uncharted journey of grief. And I have even had to search hard in strange warped places to find laughter again.

I think it is funny that there could be an imaginary world where everyone is a pony, they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies. I don't know why but it just cracks me up.

I like rerun episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" I know not the most wholesome show but it makes me laugh.  So if nerdy humor is what it takes to make me laugh then I must buy it.  So buy it I did.  The entire 1st season.

I find myself making strange jokes to make light of my pain.  Like telling my friends to watch out because I am going to buy me a baby doll and a rocking chair.  That I plan to sit and rock my baby doll like a crazy lady who lost a baby. Don't worry I didn't buy a baby doll, at least not yet.  Told you my humor is a bit warped.

I refer to myself as a  "dead baby mama."   I know it is a horrible, awful phrase.  But I laugh when I say it. I dread the sight of new babies and pregnant bellies. These very things use to make me smile. Now they just bring me pain...lots of it.    I joke about being a "dead baby mama" just to get through the pain it stirs in my heart at the sight of them.

I like to remember famous sayings my children have given me through the years.  Like the time Ben said "Mom my butt just blew out." when he was telling me he passed gas.  When Natalie said "Stop the truck!"  when her seat belt wasn't buckled.  Or how Lydia referred to her belly button as her "belly butt".  Or how Adam told me he was going to his "grandson" aka graduation last week.  And probably some other incredibly funny sayings they have blessed me with that I can't remember at the moment.  I love that children can say anything odd and it becomes funny and we don't ask them to explain why it is funny.  It just is!

If you don't understand my new warped sense of HUMOR I am glad.  It means you have never felt the breath taking pain I am trying to survive.  I am in survival mode.  I need to laugh to even breathe some days.  So humor me!  Laugh with me even if my jokes aren't funny.  Because grief really isn't funny.  But I can't go on being just sad all the time. 

They All Eat Rainbows

In my world...

Everyone is a Pony.

They all eat Rainbows.

And poop Butterflies.

I saw this clip from Horton Hears a Who on another baby loss mama blog (thanks Kristin).   The clip really tickled me.  In fact, it made me laugh so hard I couldn't stop laughing.  I laughed until I started to cry again.  That is another interesting thing I have learned about grief.  You can cry and you can laugh.  Both helps to release the pain just the same.

Last Saturday night I got to go with my kids and my husband for my Mother's Day out with them.  We ate pizza.  We laughed.  We played putt putt golf.  We laughed.  We hit baseballs.  We had a fun time.

I stopped in the moment and just looked at the faces of my children. I remembered what it felt like to be their mom. To look at their faces and enjoy their silliness. To laugh with them.  To love them.  The grief has tried to rob me of this but I won't let it. 

I was having such a nice time that I wanted to make a memory in my mind.  I closed my eyes.  I could hear the frogs croaking.  I could hear the water fall.  I could feel the coolness of the evening.  I could hear my children laughing. 

I was having a They all eat Rainbows kinda moment.  So guess what we did next?

We ate Rainbows. 

Rainbow Sno Cones

Lydia summed up my night.  "I like rainbows" she said.  I do too Lydia.  I do too!

WAIT!

At night when it is dark.  When the house is quiet.   That is when I miss him the most.   I remember being pregnant. I held him close.  I was anxiously awaiting for him to be born.  I never imagined he would not come.

Out of habit I still reach down to touch my stomach.  I expect to feel him there.   But once my hands caress the emptiness of my womb I remember.  I remember he isn't there.  I remember he is gone.  I remember it all.  I remember the numbness when they told me he was gone.  I remember giving birth to a quiet baby boy.  I felt his body leave mine.  I remember closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to watch.  I didn't see it happen.  Yet, now I watch it in my mind play again and again.

I see it in my mind again.  I cry.  I sob.  My body shakes.  I cannot believe this is real.  I want to scream...

TAKE ME BACK TO WHEN HE WAS OK. 

I want to do this over again.  I want him to be born alive.  I want to be nursing him right now in the night instead of typing a stupid blog.  I can't believe this actual happened to me.  My body foolishly went along.  It had no choice.  I was in labor.  It was time for his birth. 

BIRTH? 

How can that be?  Didn't they just say that he passed away.  How do you have death then birth?  It doesn't make any sense to me.  Why did my body go along with it?  Why didn't I just refuse to give birth that day?  My body starts to shake.  I remember.  My mind tries to make sense of the memory. There must be some mistake my heart shouts.  Surely, it is not possible that this happened. 

TELL ME THIS DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME!  MAKE IT STOP!

I was pregnant.  I carried my baby for nine months.  I caressed his body inside of mine.  I listened to his heartbeat over and over and over again.  I felt him move.  I felt him kick.  I felt him hiccup.  I felt him quiver and shake. 

WAIT!

 There it is...what did I say?  I felt him quiver and shake.  Wait!  Is that ok for him to quiver and shake?  I remember touching my belly and finding it strange.  I will be so glad when his born. I don't want to worry anymore. 

WAIT!

I said he went quiver and shake.  When did he do that again?  I can't remember when it happened.  Was it more than once?  Why didn't I tell someone you ask?  What was there to tell?  I had been pregnant 5 other times.   I knew what I was doing...I was letting my body do what it knew to do...grow a baby.  I was expecting my mind to cooperate.  Don't ask too many questions. Don't worry about every little movement.  This must just be normal for this baby. 

WAIT!

When was that I felt him quiver and shake?  Was it moments before he died or the week before when it happened?  Why doesn't the memory come to me now?  My memory feels all jumbled and forgotten.  It is like I am placing it all out of place. I need to know.  I need to know all those last movements.  I need something to make sense.  Was he moving or was he not?

WAIT!

Now I know when I felt him move.  I am sure of it.  It was on Friday.  He was moving all around. All the movements were just right, right?  Now I am not sure.  Was that movement normal or was it the beginning of what was to become the end? 

WAIT!

When was the last time I felt him move?  Friday can't be right.  Was it the night before his birth?  I was going to sleep right?  I pushed and pushed and he moved a bit. More of a movement out of annoyment, but he moved nonetheless.  I fell asleep. I woke in the night.  Was he moving then?  I don't know.  Why don't I know?  Why can't I remember if he moved that night or not? 

WAIT!

Oh now I remember the distraction.  It was called labor.  Labor pains!   I was feeling pain. Labor got my attention.  The contractions were strong.  Why were the contractions so loud?  Now I can't remember if he was moving.  That seems like a stupid excuse.  I still remember feeling Caleb move while I was in labor.  Was he moving or not?  When did I last feel him move?

WAIT!

I can't watch this anymore.  I can't breath.  I literally feel like my heart is being ripped from my body.  Please don't touch me.  Make it STOP!  Can't you see what just happened to me?  I was in labor.  I was giving birth. 

BUT WAIT!

My baby is already dead.  Death before birth.  It just doesn't make any sense.  Oh, it can't be. Please tell me this did not happen to me.

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day!  I am happy.  I am sad.  Here is how I will make this important day special to me. 

I had "Muffins with Mom" with my daughter Lydia!  I received a picture of Lydia.  It was beautiful.  She made me a picture frame and planted me a flower.  This made me happy.

I remembered that all I have of Seth is pictures.  This made me sad.

Adam made me a card and planted me a flower.  The card included a bag of tea and a little poem.  This made me happy.

I remembered all the cards I received after Seth was born.  The cards were sent to me because my baby died. This made me sad.

I arrived home to find flowers on my porch.  The vase contained 6 roses.  There were 4 red roses for my boys and 2 white roses for my girls.  The card said "Happy Mother's Day!  We Love You!  Natalie, Benjamin, Lydia, Adam, Caleb, and Seth"  This made me happy!

I thought about how this Mother's Day I was to be holding 6 children.  One of them is missing.  This made me sad.

Caleb gave me a hug.  He told me he loved me. Then he brought me two slim jims and said "One for you and One for me ok?"   This made me happy.

I realized I will never hear Seth say these words.  This made me sad.

Natalie made me chocolate covered strawberries.  This made me happy.

I rememeberd the tears that fell down Natalie's face when we were told that Seth's heart had stopped beating.  This made me sad.

Ben made me a Mother's Day card.  He wrote the words "I love you"  He also wrote that he thinks I am a cool mom because I let him play with his friends.   This made me happy. 

I remembered that I won't get to watch Seth play with his brothers.  This made me sad. 

I  got a card in the mail this week from the hospital where I delivered Seth.  Inside was a beautiful poem and a mom ring.  This made me cry.  Yet, it made me happy.

I decided it is ok to be both happy and sad on this my first Mother's Day after loosing Seth.  I can have joy today even though I also feel pain. 

This is my Mother's Day.   I am going to laugh when I see my children do something funny.  I am going to smile at their silly ways.  I am going to be thankful on this day when I still have to get them a cup of milk instead of taking the day off.  I will cry today. I love all of my children deeply. Today I am a mother who is celebrating Mother's Day as a mom who knows both the joy and the pain.  These are the feelings I signed up for when I chose to become a mom.  I will never regret being a MOM!

And Mom this day is about you too! I know it has been so hard on you to watch me suffer such pain.  I know what it is like to so desperately want to make everything ok for your child and you just can't.  I get it!  I really do.  Thanks for always loving me.  I love you too!