Waking to the Grief

I woke this morning with a longing in my heart to have a sweet 6 month old laying next to me.  I felt the emptiness in my arms as I breathed in what should have been.  I haven't been here in a while.  I try not to think about the could haves or should haves much anymore.  But my inner being had different plans today.  I couldn't stop trying to imagine my Seth baby next to me with sweet smiles and hands drawn to his mouth.  I couldn't help but imagine what it would have been like to wake up next to him and nurse him.  I find myself wishing I was holding him in my arms and feeling his snuggle.  The longing and the emptiness took over my mind.  My arms ached for him. 

I got up and started my day, but I had a sadness that I just couldn't shake.  The kids were dressed and ready.  I drove them to school.  I left the school alone and I felt the sadness rising in me and the tears began to stream down my face.  I tried to hold them back, but it was time for them to be released once again.  As I was driving home I could feel I needed to work through this grief. I found myself driving past my house and I knew just where I was heading.  I would visit Seth's sweet resting place today.  My mind began to plan out just how I would work through this sadness today.  I had a plan.  I would tend to this grief today or it would dominate me. 

As I drove into the cemetery I felt a peace rising.  I know it may sound strange, but I feel blessed at the place we chose to lay Seth's body.  It is a pretty place.  The headstones are flat on the ground.  So as I drive I just see the beautiful flowers of fall that others have placed on the graves of their loved ones.  The trees are beautiful with fall leaves, the birds are singing and the frogs croaking.  It is a place of serenity.

I pulled up and parked by the tree that would lead me down to Seth's spot.  I brought my phone along and looked up the song "I will Carry You" on YouTube.  As it played I let the tears flow onto the ground, this sacred spot to me. This is the place that holds the sweet body that once inhabited my body.  The words of the song were so true once again.  There were pictures I wanted to take of Seth.  There were things I wanted to show him.  There was a life I expected to share with him. I did carry this baby while his heart beat here.  And I missed the sound of that beautiful heart.  I missed the sweetness of his face.   I began praying.  I told God how broken my heart was that Seth was not with me.  I cried out to the Lord.  I told him how disappointed I was that Seth did not get to stay with me.  I cried and cried.  I needed Jesus to meet me here, right now.  I cried out to the Lord at how I needed to know that Seth is ok in heaven.  I needed Him to tell my precious baby just how much I loved him and how much I missed him.  And I just cried.  I let the tears release the built up grief.  The grief have been learning to set aside to live in my life. 

The song stopped.  My prayer continued until I felt the comfort of the Lord.  I was left there in the silence.  I breathed in the crisp air. The coolness that strinkingly reminds me of holding my sweet boy.  I felt a peace and much needed comfort.  And as I always do when I visit Seth's grave I took a walk from his spot to the beautiful waterfall nearby.  The water was not running today.  But I still enjoyed being near it.  I surprised a frog as I walked near who in turn surprised me as he jumped into the water.  I stopped.  I grabbed my camera phone and I began taking photos.  I took pictures of the water, the reflection of the sun, the flowers.  I heard the bees buzzing.  And I began taking more pictures of the bees landing upon the flowers.  The photo moment was a good focus for me.  I had left my sadness at the grave for Jesus to hold in His hand.  I felt my spirit lift as I looked through the lens of my camera phone and found beauty.  God's promise is true He does make beauty again from ashes.  And He is filled my heart with beauty.

I was ready to drive away.  God had met me this mornng.