Warped Sense of Humor

Grief takes everything as you know it and jumbles it all up.  It makes me cry all the time.  It makes my memory feel out of place.  It makes time stand still for me yet in reality it is actually quickly flying by.  I have to grasp at a new unfamiliar to tread through this uncharted journey of grief. And I have even had to search hard in strange warped places to find laughter again.

I think it is funny that there could be an imaginary world where everyone is a pony, they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies. I don't know why but it just cracks me up.

I like rerun episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" I know not the most wholesome show but it makes me laugh.  So if nerdy humor is what it takes to make me laugh then I must buy it.  So buy it I did.  The entire 1st season.

I find myself making strange jokes to make light of my pain.  Like telling my friends to watch out because I am going to buy me a baby doll and a rocking chair.  That I plan to sit and rock my baby doll like a crazy lady who lost a baby. Don't worry I didn't buy a baby doll, at least not yet.  Told you my humor is a bit warped.

I refer to myself as a  "dead baby mama."   I know it is a horrible, awful phrase.  But I laugh when I say it. I dread the sight of new babies and pregnant bellies. These very things use to make me smile. Now they just bring me pain...lots of it.    I joke about being a "dead baby mama" just to get through the pain it stirs in my heart at the sight of them.

I like to remember famous sayings my children have given me through the years.  Like the time Ben said "Mom my butt just blew out." when he was telling me he passed gas.  When Natalie said "Stop the truck!"  when her seat belt wasn't buckled.  Or how Lydia referred to her belly button as her "belly butt".  Or how Adam told me he was going to his "grandson" aka graduation last week.  And probably some other incredibly funny sayings they have blessed me with that I can't remember at the moment.  I love that children can say anything odd and it becomes funny and we don't ask them to explain why it is funny.  It just is!

If you don't understand my new warped sense of HUMOR I am glad.  It means you have never felt the breath taking pain I am trying to survive.  I am in survival mode.  I need to laugh to even breathe some days.  So humor me!  Laugh with me even if my jokes aren't funny.  Because grief really isn't funny.  But I can't go on being just sad all the time.