He Said No

There is this ONE moment that my mind plays over and over and over.  I can remember Seth making this quivering, shaking feeling. It was like hiccups exaggerated.   It was at night.  I was laying on my right side.  I had my hands on my belly.  I remember my thoughts.  I remember I thought it was different that he was moving in such a strange way.  I wondered for a second if there maybe something wrong with him when he was born.  I told myself I would be so glad when he was born so I wouldn't have to worry anymore.  He settled down.  I went to sleep. I went to sleep as if nothing was wrong.  I didn't know he would die.

I never ever thought he would die.

This moment is huge in my mind.  I would swear that it lasted 30 minutes.  The reality is that it probably only lasted 30 seconds.  But that is the 30 seconds I want back. 

If I could only go back to that moment I would QUICKLY get up out of my bed.  I would have rushed to the hospital. I would  have shouted and screamed for the doctors to hurry up and get Seth out of my body.  Please cut open my body and save my little boy.  I want him to be born--ALIVE! 

I am shaking now.  I am crying, sobbing uncontrollably.   I can't even breathe as I remember it over and over and over again.  I am so ashamed that I let my son down.  I am angry with myself that I didn't do something, anything to save him. 

I feel like I am bargaining with God. Please God let me go back to that moment.  I would make the right decision.  Please dear God, I will give anything for that moment.  I would change it all and I would make sure Seth was alive.  God I would do anything....Please God go back and take me and not him.  If I had known he was going to die I would have prayed and begged God to let him live.  I trying praying it now.  It is too late.

I hold in this pain.  It smothers me.  I decide I can't bear it anymore.  I share with my husband and my friend.  I cry out to them.

"I should have gotten out bed and saved him!  I didn't save him!  Why didn't I do something?"

 I did nothing. I just went to sleep.  I didn't do anything to change it. I didn't know.
 
They try and comfort me.  They tell me it isn't true. They remind me that I  did the best I could. My husband is convinced that it wouldn't have mattered.  He says even the doctor's ( the experts) aren't exactly sure what happened to Seth.  How was I to know more than the "experts".

I pray.  I am so broken.  I can't live with this pain, this memory.  I believe the Lord heard me and this is what he said......

"I still would have said No."

I stop and listen to what God has just said.  He said no.  He  did not give me the why of it all.  He just said no.

Now I have a choice in this grief.  Do I accept it?  I want to.  I want to believe Seth's death was beyond my control.  I am not there yet.  But one day I will believe it. Today I am still struggling....today I still believe I am responsible for his death.  Today I still want to blame myself.    God wants me to let go.  Even if I was able to go back and try it again God told me He still would have said no.   I don't understand why God didn't change things for Seth but He does. I have to believe His ways are better than my ways.  I will someday.  I know when I reach acceptance this will bring me peace.  "I still would have said No."