WAIT!

At night when it is dark.  When the house is quiet.   That is when I miss him the most.   I remember being pregnant. I held him close.  I was anxiously awaiting for him to be born.  I never imagined he would not come.

Out of habit I still reach down to touch my stomach.  I expect to feel him there.   But once my hands caress the emptiness of my womb I remember.  I remember he isn't there.  I remember he is gone.  I remember it all.  I remember the numbness when they told me he was gone.  I remember giving birth to a quiet baby boy.  I felt his body leave mine.  I remember closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to watch.  I didn't see it happen.  Yet, now I watch it in my mind play again and again.

I see it in my mind again.  I cry.  I sob.  My body shakes.  I cannot believe this is real.  I want to scream...

TAKE ME BACK TO WHEN HE WAS OK. 

I want to do this over again.  I want him to be born alive.  I want to be nursing him right now in the night instead of typing a stupid blog.  I can't believe this actual happened to me.  My body foolishly went along.  It had no choice.  I was in labor.  It was time for his birth. 

BIRTH? 

How can that be?  Didn't they just say that he passed away.  How do you have death then birth?  It doesn't make any sense to me.  Why did my body go along with it?  Why didn't I just refuse to give birth that day?  My body starts to shake.  I remember.  My mind tries to make sense of the memory. There must be some mistake my heart shouts.  Surely, it is not possible that this happened. 

TELL ME THIS DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME!  MAKE IT STOP!

I was pregnant.  I carried my baby for nine months.  I caressed his body inside of mine.  I listened to his heartbeat over and over and over again.  I felt him move.  I felt him kick.  I felt him hiccup.  I felt him quiver and shake. 

WAIT!

 There it is...what did I say?  I felt him quiver and shake.  Wait!  Is that ok for him to quiver and shake?  I remember touching my belly and finding it strange.  I will be so glad when his born. I don't want to worry anymore. 

WAIT!

I said he went quiver and shake.  When did he do that again?  I can't remember when it happened.  Was it more than once?  Why didn't I tell someone you ask?  What was there to tell?  I had been pregnant 5 other times.   I knew what I was doing...I was letting my body do what it knew to do...grow a baby.  I was expecting my mind to cooperate.  Don't ask too many questions. Don't worry about every little movement.  This must just be normal for this baby. 

WAIT!

When was that I felt him quiver and shake?  Was it moments before he died or the week before when it happened?  Why doesn't the memory come to me now?  My memory feels all jumbled and forgotten.  It is like I am placing it all out of place. I need to know.  I need to know all those last movements.  I need something to make sense.  Was he moving or was he not?

WAIT!

Now I know when I felt him move.  I am sure of it.  It was on Friday.  He was moving all around. All the movements were just right, right?  Now I am not sure.  Was that movement normal or was it the beginning of what was to become the end? 

WAIT!

When was the last time I felt him move?  Friday can't be right.  Was it the night before his birth?  I was going to sleep right?  I pushed and pushed and he moved a bit. More of a movement out of annoyment, but he moved nonetheless.  I fell asleep. I woke in the night.  Was he moving then?  I don't know.  Why don't I know?  Why can't I remember if he moved that night or not? 

WAIT!

Oh now I remember the distraction.  It was called labor.  Labor pains!   I was feeling pain. Labor got my attention.  The contractions were strong.  Why were the contractions so loud?  Now I can't remember if he was moving.  That seems like a stupid excuse.  I still remember feeling Caleb move while I was in labor.  Was he moving or not?  When did I last feel him move?

WAIT!

I can't watch this anymore.  I can't breath.  I literally feel like my heart is being ripped from my body.  Please don't touch me.  Make it STOP!  Can't you see what just happened to me?  I was in labor.  I was giving birth. 

BUT WAIT!

My baby is already dead.  Death before birth.  It just doesn't make any sense.  Oh, it can't be. Please tell me this did not happen to me.

Guilty as Charged

My thoughts and feelings have caught me a little off guard this week. 

I have had some wonderful women send me beautiful messages of love this week.  They tell me that I am special to them.  They say they admire me.  I don't get it.  I don't feel worthy of this kind of love.  I feel like I don't deserve it.

WORTHLESS

 I feel ashamed that my baby died. I feel guilty that I didn't do something, anything to keep Seth alive. Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner? Why didn't I recongnize something was wrong?  Why wasn't I paying attention to him?  I play the last week of his life in my mind over and over and over.  I fail again and again.  I didn't do anything that could have saved him. 

SHAME

I must be a horrible mom.  I let my baby die. I am guilty as charged!   It hurts.  I have weird thoughts about how it would be better not to be alive.  Living with all of this pain doesn't feel worth it.  I don't feel worth it.

GUILT

I share these thoughts with my counselor. I am crying.  She starts to cry.  She tells me to LISTEN to her.  "Everything you just described is all part of the "GUILT" cycle of grief.  And NONE of it is true." 

I start to cry more.

She held her hand out in a fist while using the other to circle around it and said. 

"God will not tell you "why" to heal you. He will heal you by surrounding you with His love and His holiness. He is holding your pain in the palm of His hand. He will not let you get lost in your grief."

Doesn't it sound like God put the very words in her mouth?  I know He did.

I am ok.  I am making progress through the stages of grief.  It isn't supposed to be pretty.And the "guilt" phase of grief is especially ugly.  But I will believe in God's promise.  He will bind up my broken heart.  Someday I will wear a crown of beauty.  I will have joy.  I will wear a garmet of praise.

Provide for those who grieve

to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:3