Nature Walk

 

 

 

Ideas and Projects: An Update

About a month ago or so I was determined to change my focus from all grief to actually living my life after babyloss.  I was ready to discover who I am again.  I want to find joy and not always be sad.  So I created a list of ideas.  It was helpful!  And I am happy to say I have been busy living out the items on my list.  I hope to update them now. 

List of ideas for Project Heal

• Take a photography class -- I am really excited about this one!  ACCOMPLISHED

My Illuminate Assignments Complete

I loved taking the online photography course Illuminate.  It was an amazing photo-healing class that encouraged me to use my camera to move forward, change focus and learn about photography.  I am thrilled with the outcome.  I actually completed all of my assignments using a wordpress blog with the same name as my blogger blog.  Now I need to decide how to merge the two.  But I really love just how amazing the photos look in wordpress.  Do you want to see all of my assignments than visit my blog created for Illuminate assignments here. 

• Attend the Designed For Life women's conference ATTENDED

The Designed For Life women's conference in Springfield, MO was amazing.  I was able to go away for three days I was able to go away for 3 days and be immersed with girlfriends, fun, shopping, happy rings, and God.   The title of the conference I attended was “Designed for Life: A Love Story.” The theme was intended to allow me to share my story of my life while intimately experiencing the love of my Heavenly Father. I experienced life in a bubble where I could get in touch with my feelings, thoughts, and fears in a very protected setting. I experienced songs, teachings, and pampering that spoke to my spirit. And one exciting part for me in that was being able to let go of some of the guilt and shame of grief that has been weighing me down. I was able to feel loved by God and hear of promises He is so graciously will to share over me. I connected deeper with women who have become special friends since my loss.



I was able to open my eyes to the tiniest of details of living. I was surrounded by new babies and was able to glance at them without deep pain. I was able to receive the blessing of my children. I was able to hear the words “Children need mommy’s who are happy” “Husbands need wives who are confident” “Brothers need Sisters who are beautiful” and believe that inside me I have what it takes to choose to be that mommy, wife, and sister! I was able to laugh really hard until I cried as a speaker from Australia spoke the words due date, estrogen, and awesome in a cool Australian accent. I felt my spirit lift at as the speakers shared funny stories and deep truths.   I came back home with a content heart and I couldn’t wait to love on my husband and children. I felt so loved by them as they shared “welcome home mommy” cookies and lots of snuggles. I was able to recognize pure joy in my heart as my three year old wrapped his arms around my neck.

• Take a Walk by myself  Yep did that too!

One of the neat experiences of the Illuminate photography course was that it insisted that I walk outside my house and look for photos to compose.  I have been enjoy daily walks by myself with camera in hand.  It gives me a chance to clear my mind and really enjoy the beauty that God created.  It helps me be thankful for all the blessing God has given in my life.  A grateful heart and some excerise have been good my spirit. 

And there is still more Project Heal on the horizon.  Here are some items that remain and maybe I need to come with a few more ideas.

• Read a book with my oldest daughter--her pick
• Take a walk with a friend
• Try something new
• Create a peaceful place
• Listen to Christian music and dive into devotion with God

Waking to the Grief

I woke this morning with a longing in my heart to have a sweet 6 month old laying next to me.  I felt the emptiness in my arms as I breathed in what should have been.  I haven't been here in a while.  I try not to think about the could haves or should haves much anymore.  But my inner being had different plans today.  I couldn't stop trying to imagine my Seth baby next to me with sweet smiles and hands drawn to his mouth.  I couldn't help but imagine what it would have been like to wake up next to him and nurse him.  I find myself wishing I was holding him in my arms and feeling his snuggle.  The longing and the emptiness took over my mind.  My arms ached for him. 

I got up and started my day, but I had a sadness that I just couldn't shake.  The kids were dressed and ready.  I drove them to school.  I left the school alone and I felt the sadness rising in me and the tears began to stream down my face.  I tried to hold them back, but it was time for them to be released once again.  As I was driving home I could feel I needed to work through this grief. I found myself driving past my house and I knew just where I was heading.  I would visit Seth's sweet resting place today.  My mind began to plan out just how I would work through this sadness today.  I had a plan.  I would tend to this grief today or it would dominate me. 

As I drove into the cemetery I felt a peace rising.  I know it may sound strange, but I feel blessed at the place we chose to lay Seth's body.  It is a pretty place.  The headstones are flat on the ground.  So as I drive I just see the beautiful flowers of fall that others have placed on the graves of their loved ones.  The trees are beautiful with fall leaves, the birds are singing and the frogs croaking.  It is a place of serenity.

I pulled up and parked by the tree that would lead me down to Seth's spot.  I brought my phone along and looked up the song "I will Carry You" on YouTube.  As it played I let the tears flow onto the ground, this sacred spot to me. This is the place that holds the sweet body that once inhabited my body.  The words of the song were so true once again.  There were pictures I wanted to take of Seth.  There were things I wanted to show him.  There was a life I expected to share with him. I did carry this baby while his heart beat here.  And I missed the sound of that beautiful heart.  I missed the sweetness of his face.   I began praying.  I told God how broken my heart was that Seth was not with me.  I cried out to the Lord.  I told him how disappointed I was that Seth did not get to stay with me.  I cried and cried.  I needed Jesus to meet me here, right now.  I cried out to the Lord at how I needed to know that Seth is ok in heaven.  I needed Him to tell my precious baby just how much I loved him and how much I missed him.  And I just cried.  I let the tears release the built up grief.  The grief have been learning to set aside to live in my life. 

The song stopped.  My prayer continued until I felt the comfort of the Lord.  I was left there in the silence.  I breathed in the crisp air. The coolness that strinkingly reminds me of holding my sweet boy.  I felt a peace and much needed comfort.  And as I always do when I visit Seth's grave I took a walk from his spot to the beautiful waterfall nearby.  The water was not running today.  But I still enjoyed being near it.  I surprised a frog as I walked near who in turn surprised me as he jumped into the water.  I stopped.  I grabbed my camera phone and I began taking photos.  I took pictures of the water, the reflection of the sun, the flowers.  I heard the bees buzzing.  And I began taking more pictures of the bees landing upon the flowers.  The photo moment was a good focus for me.  I had left my sadness at the grave for Jesus to hold in His hand.  I felt my spirit lift as I looked through the lens of my camera phone and found beauty.  God's promise is true He does make beauty again from ashes.  And He is filled my heart with beauty.

I was ready to drive away.  God had met me this mornng. 

My Story of Baby Loss




Looking for light after the darkness of losing my baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Longing to hold my baby boy again.

 

Feeling so alone in the world even with close friends
 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

Trying to find myself again
 

Rediscovering the joy of being a mommy to my other children.

A Letter to my Seth Josiah

Dear Baby Seth,

 

I can’t believe it has been six months since I said goodbye to your sweet face. I miss you so much. You are always on my mind. I worry as time passes I will lose another part of you — the sweet baby I remember in my heart and mind. You were a beautiful baby with such a energetic spirit. I loved how much you moved within my womb. I was so surprised at how active and full of life you were little one. I loved every minute of it.

 

When they told me you had died I swear my heart stopped beating too. I remember just looking at my belly like I was no longer inside my own body. I wanted to die. Losing you has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I cannot believe how much emotional pain I have felt or how dark the world has seemed to me. In the beginning, right after you died, I fell into a darkness I never knew existed. It swallowed me up and I couldn’t breathe. I felt so alone in my grief. I didn’t understand why God let you die. I felt like people didn’t understand the immense sadness I felt or the trauma my body and mind had gone through to give birth to you after your death. I felt Alone, Ashamed, Unworthy, and Guilty. How could anyone possibly want to accept me now?

 

Grieving you has taken time. It also has taken so much of me and the person I was before you. I have felt lost inside myself, not sure who I was anymore or who I even wanted to be. Yet with each new day and with help from God, my family and friends I have begun to notice the light again. I have been more ready to emerge from the darkness. I am finally ready to heal.

I can still remember the weight of you in my arms. My arms ache to hold the you again. I remember your sweet face. You were so perfect and beautiful. I have decided that these are my memories and I have every right to keep them with me. They live etched in my mind and my heart. They remind me of the incredible privilege it is to be your Mommy. And that I will always be.

 

Someone recently told me that she thinks I am going to be a stronger woman through this experience. She said that I am not afraid to go deep and search my heart and the hurt. I think I know what she means. I do feel stronger for being your Mommy. I am not afraid to feel emotion anymore. I long to love deeper and live happier. I feel a new confidence stirring in me. One that wants to be bold and more outgoing. I do not want your life to go in vain. I want to make you proud of me. I want to live like you lived. You loved being alive. I want others to look at me and know that I survived the unimaginable and I did it by loving more than I thought was possible. I let go of more than I wanted to and it knocked me down to the ground. Getting up has taken every ounce of faith in God and His divine healing. God is faithful and He has not left me.

 

Hope is blooming in me again. Your big sister Natalie said to me this week that I am laughing a lot. I never thought I would laugh again after you died. I am so thankful to find some healing and it has been your sisters and brothers who have given me sweet reasons to smile. It makes me wonder if you know what my smile looks like? I will always wonder what your toothless grin would be. I try and imagine it in my mind.

 

Sweet baby I will never forget you. You will always be my baby boy and I love you so much. You will be the baby that left the echo of your heartbeat in my womb. I can hear the whisper of it in my heart. You are the one who I held every minute of your life. And that my precious Seth Josiah was an amazing gift.

 

I”ll love you Forever.
I’ll like you for Always.
As long as I am living, my Baby you will be.

 

Love,
Mommy

New Adventure: Illuminate

I am so excited to be embarking on a new adventure. The darkness is starting to fade. I can see the light ready to shine through. It has been waiting for me, calling my name. I am ready to look through the lens of the camera and see life all around me again. I am ready to look upon the faces of my children and capture their sweet smiles. I am ready to view the beauty around me. It is time to Illuminate.

I consider it such a privilege to take a photo healing class offered by another baby loss mom called Illuminate.  I just completed my first assingment of writing a letter to my baby and taking photographs that represent where I am in my journey following baby loss. 

To learn more about Illuminate visit http://www.berylaynyoung.com/illuminate/

And stay tuned weekly as I take this course and post about it here. 

UPDATE:  My Illuminate Photo Class Assignments can been found on wordpress :  apieceofmyheartinheaven.wordpress.com

Ready to Be Much Muchier

I am sitting outside today enjoying the sunshine, the birds singing, the soft wind blowing, cool breeze flowing. It is a peaceful place. And the truth is I actually like sitting here.  I am pondering, reflecting, breathing it all in.

Certainly never in my life have I experienced such a struggle between giving up or moving forward.  Never has it been more difficult to choose to move forward. There have been so many moments over the past few months that giving up seemed easier to me.  But truth is that moving forward is always the best choice.

As I am sitting here today with a clearer mind I am ready to re-discover who I am after a tremendous loss of love, promise, and future.  I have been lost for months now.   I have been searching for the me and along the way have discoverd some amazing women who understand what it feels like to be so lost.

And as they say one thing leads to another that is just what has been happening on this vast place of internet.  Today I find myself being intrigued by the quote "I used to be much muchier, but then I lost my muchness."  Now that sums up a lot about how I have been feeling.  The neat thing is Tova of findingmymuchness.com chose a creative way to find her  muchness again. She decided to challenge herself to find her muchness for 30 days.  She loved the result so much that she decided to invite other women along.

I want to join her.  The next 30 day challenge is "Muchness Meets Photography".  How cool is that?  How neat the timing since one of my Project Heal ideas is to take a photography class.  I am taking an online class and this challenge will fit with it so nicely.

Hmm..it makes me wonder what is my muchness?  I am not sure anymore.  Tova's muchness was first found in wearing sequins and glitter everday for 30 days.  She photographed herself in bling and posted it to facebook everyday.  I love it but I am not sure that is me. I do love how simple the assignment. I still need simple right now.

I feel this boldness brewing inside of me. I am ready to fight harder to move forward. I am ready to find myself and be the woman God intended me to be. I know He designed me for life, this life. I can't wait to see if my muchness is bold as well.  I want to be as bold as backpacking up a mountain.  I have a friend who just returned from such an experience.  I am in awe in reading her blog detail the trip.  Amazing. Reality check that may much to muchier for me right now.

This week I am on a mission to start to discover my muchness.  I love that it can be anywhere between wearing a little bling to climbing a mountain.  The sky really is the limit.  But maybe it would be wise to start with my Project Heal list and see where that leads me.

I am ready to be much Muchier again!

What about you? Are you joining the 30 day Muchness Meets Photography challenge. Comment below and let me know so I can look you up over at
findingmymuchness.com .