He is STILL my Baby lest I Remember

I haven't written about Seth in such a long time.  I am not sure why not really and yet I am absolutely sure why not. It is not like he is not STILL on my mind.  Would you ever stop thinking about one of your children?  He is there.  At times I find him there and I think to myself "I really should write about this, get it out of mind, record the thoughts of him. After all, these are more proof he was here." I find excuses as to why I let the thoughts go without recording them...I am just so busy with the kids. Sitting at the computer and trying to write just seems too complicated right now.  What if I start writing and the right words don't come? They might not make any sense at all.  I might open my grief box and the tears, the pain may be too much. Again. I even think to myself....what if someone reads what I wrote and they simply don't understand why I am still so heavily filled with grief, sadness, the questions, the longing for a baby whose name they are unsure about saying around me anymore.

So instead I spend time reading what others have written. I strangely find comfort from their words.  I feel understood by complete strangers while I walk in my real life ever wondering what others really think about my "traumatic" life event. The one that is unimaginable and too hard too believe.  I worry they see me as the woman who had a dead baby.  And then almost worse I worry that they look at me and forget it even happened too me.  They forget HIM.

I am filled with thoughts I just don't mention except to a very select few.  And even then I worry I have said those thoughts too often. I hear myself talking about it, mentioning him all the time, and yet it feels like STILL no one really knows him at all.  I wish I would write about him more.  It is all I have to keep the memory of him.  He lived.....he died.  Then his story was left to be told.  I STILL want to tell it.  So I am.

I am wondering myself too what convinced me at 4 am to go ahead and give in to the urge to record the thoughts...and this is it.  I woke up at 3 am unable to sleep.  I ran across this story.... 

Motherhood Mondays "I had a stillborn baby"

Yes, that is me too.  I opened the story curious as to what she had to say.  Her words, her thoughts were too familiar.  I started thinking of those in my life I wanted to read it.  I want you to read it and I want to feel understood. I want you to know this... I found myself screaming inside..."Yes, this! This is what I STILL think about. This is what I STILL want to tell others about my son.  The one I named Seth.  Oh I STILL miss him terribly."

Please take a minute and read this mother's motherhood story.  Maybe it won't have the same impact on you as it does me.  But I think selfishly I want you to read this mother's story while placing me in her story because it matches up to so much of my story of stillbirth, to my thoughts of a life without my son Seth.  I have had many of these same thoughts, these familiar memories in my head but have been too unsure to write out.  If I am really honest though I want them shared.  Her words...her thoughts they remind me of my own.  If you are a mother who has experienced stillbirth too.  I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to your baby.  I hope her words bring comfort...a feeling of being understood.  If you are a friend of mine I hope you hear her voice as one that speaks for me too.  I STILL want to be asked about my son.  I STILL want to hear his name.  I know you don't always understand what it is like to have a Stillborn baby.  I wish I didn't either but I do.  I know you may not always know what to say to me about Seth.  But just telling me that you remember I have a son named Seth speaks volumes to my heart.

Return to Zero -- True Story of Stillbirth Coming to Theaters

Undoubtedly the single most life altering event in my life has been the silent birth of my son Seth at 39 weeks. It rocked me to my core.  I never knew such grief and pain.  It has been a long road of healing.  If I can be completely honest for a minute I would tell you that it was so hard to experience a loss that most in my life were not familiar with. It hurt to realize that I was really the only one who knew Seth most intimately.  I longed for others to love him like I loved him.  It was so hard to talk about Him because people reacted so quietly around me when his name was mentioned.  It made the silence of his birth even more defining as people were not sure what to say.  There are 26,000 babies each year whose birth results in stillbirth. I know it is crazy hard to talk about it, but it matters. These babies matter. My son and his life mattered!  His life has taught me lessons about love and faith that have changed me forever.   I love to tell his story.

Coming very soon to theaters is a movie that tells a story like Seth's!  One of loss, grief, love, and hope.   It is a movie with the main theme surrounding the stillbirth of a baby.  A baby that was longed for, dreamed about and loved.  It speaks the story out loud.  I hope this movie gives stillbirth a voice in our everyday conversation so that people aren't so afraid to talk about it.  BREAK THE SILENCE. 



 Return to Zero 

RETURN TO ZERO is based on the true story of a successful couple who are preparing for the arrival of their first child. Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover that their baby son has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

Maggie and Aaron attempt to go on with their lives but cannot escape their postpartum grief. Their lives and relationship have been forever altered by this loss. They try to cope in a myriad of ways -- through denial, escape, and alcohol -- but when Maggie ultimately discovers that Aaron is having an affair with a co-worker, she decides to end the marriage.

Just when Maggie believes she has started a new life, she discovers that she is pregnant by Aaron (in a last ditch 'this will save the marriage' getaway to Vegas.) With the help of her empathetic doctor who had experienced a similar loss years ago, Maggie finally grieves for the loss of her son. Through a turbulent and terrifying pregnancy, Maggie and Aaron reunite to see their child, a daughter, safely into the world. 

I can't wait to see this movie with my box of Kleenex's in hand.   I know I will cry but I hope the story will bring public awareness and ease us into being able to talk about stillbirth. BREAK THE SILENCE.  It would be so amazing to me if you would join me. Please pledge to see this film opening weekend TBA. It is a real story! The creator and his wife also experienced a stillbirth. Stillbirth is a subject that deserves be told in film and in theaters. Put me "Kim Schamburg" as your Local Leader on the pledge form if you are in Missouri near St. Louis. If you don't live near me consider signing up to be a Local Leader in your area in memory of Seth. You will be sent flyers and movie information to distribute. 


WATCH THE VIDEO & SIGN THE PLEDGE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1

BECOME A LOCAL LEADER:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1jQsys3eU7ZndUgbdMvcDiqrgQPmREFRmb_1kvl0YhWw/viewform?pli=1

More information can also be found at http://returntozerothemovie.com/

Seth's birthday

 

 

Today was your birthday! We had a cake. We had a candle. We had balloons. We looked at your pictures. We held your things. The only thing missing was you! 

 

 

 

Today could have been the day,

That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

 



 

 

Letters to Heaven

photo credit: small bird studios

Dear Seth,

 

If I could write a letter to heaven, I would tell you "Happy, Happy Birthday my sweet boy!"  I wonder what birthdays are like in heaven.  Do you get a cake all your own and make a mess with it?  Did Jesus clean off the frosting off your sweet little face? Do the angels sing the "Happy Birthday" song to you?  I know, I know honey I might be asking silly questions today.  That is ok!  Mommy can pretend today because it is your birthday. 

 

I will admit selfishly that I would rather be watching you get all messy with cake. I would like to be the one to pick you up all covered in frosting and give your special 1st birthday bath. I long to smell the scent of baby wash in your skin and see you giggle with glee.  I wish I could know what you look like on this day. 

 

It makes me wonder would you laugh as we sang to you or would you cry thinking it was strange?  Laughing or crying I wish I could just hear your voice. It has been much too quiet in our very noisy house without you. They say there are no tears in heaven.  So I guess today you must be laughing.   I am glad there are no tears in heaven, and that you have never cried at all.   But I must admit to you baby boy I have cried so many tears this past year. A mother just cannot forget her baby. It makes so sad to not have you apart of our lives everyday. So many tell me so often how wonderful heaven is for you and much God loves you. I am convinced it has to be. Heaven has to be beautiful and miraculous, and incredible beyond description.   It has to be!  This would be the only way heaven could be a better place for you than you being cradled in my mothering arms. 

 

If I could write a letter to heaven there would be so much I would tell you and yet I feel a loss of words.  My heart feels so heavy now that it has kept beating for a year without you.  Life has gone on and there is so much I could tell you about this past year.  But honestly sweet boy if I had a chance to write you letter to heaven none of this would really matter.  I would want to tell you more than anything how much I love you.  I am so proud to be your mommy.  I was chosen for you and you for me.  I think I would need more than a letter to heaven to exactly explain my love for you.  Oh how I hope you know.  I hope you have always known.  I hope you never forget.  I love you Seth Josiah today on your birthday and always. 

 

 

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

 

Love,

Mommy

 

 

Rainbows and Friendship

I learned to crochet a couple of years ago and I fell in love with it.  I made many projects like washcloths, baby blankets, prayer shawls, purses, and hats.  When I found out I was pregnant with Seth the first thing I did was go to Wal-Mart and buy yarn to make booties.  Yes I bought pink yarn and I came home and made my first pair of crocheted pink booties for my baby I was calling Faith.  I also crocheted a blanket for baby in a neutral green color.  In November when I learned my Faith baby was a boy one of the first things I did was go to Wal-Mart again and buy blue yarn.  And I started right away to crochet him a newborn hat and baby booties.  I loved how they turned out.  I couldn’t wait for him to wear what I had created.  These were his and he did wear them, but not like I had imagined.  I have them now in his memory box.  They represent the love I had for my sweet son while I was pregnant with him. 

I have boycotted anything crochet since he died.  The very thought of picking up a crochet hook and yarn made me sick to my stomach.  I was cheated out of seeing my son wear the hat and booties until he outgrew them.  And another thing that bothered me about crochet was the night before his birth I had moved a couple of boxes from my room to downstairs.  Some of the boxes were heavy and one of the boxes was full of yarn.  I have not moved those boxes since that night and when I see them guilt pours over me with the “what if” I caused him to die by moving those stupid boxes.  Boycotting yarn, yarn hooks, and crochet just seemed like justice to me. 

Crochet however has been an amazing experience for me.  When I learned about the craft friends and I were so intrigued by the fact that while your hands were busy it would be a wonderful time to pray.  I loved the idea of this ministry and I found myself praying for the recipient of my project while I was crocheting.  It was a new found love.  I am thankful as I created those sweet booties both the pink ones and the blue ones I prayed for my sweet baby.  It is a bittersweet memory.  But I have to believe God heard my prayers and my baby sensed them too.  My baby was cuddled, loved, and prayed over.  It was the best possible gift I could have ever given to him. 

I have a great friend who knew how the amazing experience crochet had on me.  She has gently tried to encourage me to pick up my crochet hook and create a project.  She reminded me that it might be healing to cry and pray as I created each stitch.  I have balked at her suggestion every time.  I wasn’t through letting crochet know that I was hurt that my most precious project was greeted with pain.  But if there is anything I have learned about grief is that sometimes the best way to work through it is by some physical outlet.  I have worked through pain by painting birdhouses, making bread, taking pictures, even mowing the grass and raking leaves.  I often balk at the idea of it but find the physical release of my grief moves me forward.

I am honored to have met a sweet friend who unfortunately knows the grief of losing a son full term too.  I was matched up with her through the hospital grief program.  We wrote to each other daily in the beginning and then finally decided to meet up for dinner.  We talked for four hours about our sweet boys, stillbirth, pain, and heartache.  We shared birth stories and photos and memories.  It was amazing to be with a friend who knew the language of babyloss.  I didn’t have to explain my feelings to her.  She understood them. 

I was thrilled when she told me that she was expecting her rainbow baby.  But I admit I was nervous too.  Because she was further along in her grief she had become like a big sister to me.  She had held me hand and listened to every hurt and pain I was experiencing.  Could I now return the favor and love her and support her during a pregnancy?  It was a rainbow baby!  I was in no way jealous of her.  I wanted her to have a baby.  I needed her to have a baby.  Her only child had died.  I have a houseful of kids.  This friendship has allowed me love her like I always love on a friend who is expecting.  And it was safe.

I had been pondering the idea of making her baby a hat, a rainbow hat.  But I was confronting my own pain of the connection I had allowed crochet to become to Seth and his death.  I picked up my crochet hooks and held them in my hand.  I felt determined to use them, to create with them, and to love on a “rainbow baby” of a precious friend.  I searched for the yarn.  It took a couple of attempts but then I found it.  I loved the rainbow colors and I was ready to create a rainbow colored hat for a rainbow baby.

I was nervous picking up the crochet hook, but I was reminded of my friend’s courage of being pregnant again after a loss.  I admire her courage.  I crocheted my first chain with the yarn.  And after a couple of attempts and a phone call to a friend to remind me the sequence I was crocheting again.  I began praying for my friend and her baby.  I also remembered my baby boy and my pregnancy.  The memories were sweet.  Although the pregnancy ended in heartache, I have a sweetness in my mind, in my soul of a sacred relationship with my son.  I found my eyes full of tears that began streaming down my face.  But I knew as they fell that they were tears of healing.  As I continued crocheting the hat I begin feeling a pride in my accomplishment.  My sadness began turning to a smile as I held this little hat in my hands.  It was beautiful.  All of it was; the hat and the moment of creating it.  As I finished the final stitch I was sad that it was complete.  It had been created so quickly. 

I wanted to make sure I had the sizing correct so I pulled from Seth’s memory box the sweet hat that I had created for him.  I held up the two hats to one another. The fit of the rainbow hat would be perfect.  I held within my hand the hat of my baby boy’s past and the hat of a new baby’s future.  It brought to mind of an unlikely friendship.  We met because our babies died.  It is a horrible reason to become friends, but now that I know her I can’t imagine not being her friend.  We have been through hell, but God and our babies brought us together to ease the pain. 

I loved how the crocheted hat turned out beautiful.  And of course I needed to crochet more.  I also made her sweet baby rainbow booties. 

Remembering at Christmas

 

 

As I watched them open their presents I witnessed the joy on the face with each gift.  It spoke volumes to my hurting heart.  I felt happiness and grief dance within me once again.  I felt so blessed to enjoy five of my children on such a peaceful Christmas morn.  The tears however, fell and reminded me of the one missing around my tree.  I remember him.  I remember the baby who danced within my womb last Christmas.  I remember the baby who I wish was gumming a red bow off the gift of one of his brothers.  It seems possible in mind.  I return to those with me.  I am blessed. I am sad.  Christmas will always be filled with a sad wonder and a glorious joy.   

 

Angel of Hope

 

 

Angel of Hope

Candlelight Memorial

December 6, 2012

 

 

We attended the Angel of Hope candelight memorial as a family in memory of Seth.  It was such an unique way to remember him and include him in our family just before Christmas.  The candlelight memorial gives families a place to meet with lit candles and remember their children during a brief memorial service that included poem readings and live music.  Families who have the experienced loss of a child of any age meet at Ben Rau Memorial Garden at Blanchette Park in St. Charles.  I didn't even know it existed or knew of the story behind the Angel of Hope before I lost Seth.  There is a beautiful pathway lined with bricks lovingly engraved with the names of children being honored by their families.  The path leads up to the "Angel of Hope," an angel that was created based on the story The Christmas Box.  These angel statues have been created and placed all over the world.  It gives famlies a place to release tears and express grief.  The ceremony ends with flowers being placed around the base of the angel in memory of each child. 

 

The night was special and emotional for me.  I would like to think we will include this event in our traditions as a family.  It will be our special night in December before Christmas to remember our little "Snowdrop".

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Snowdrop

Author Unknown

 

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we long for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says of our love for you.

Nature Walk

 

 

 

Ideas and Projects: An Update

About a month ago or so I was determined to change my focus from all grief to actually living my life after babyloss.  I was ready to discover who I am again.  I want to find joy and not always be sad.  So I created a list of ideas.  It was helpful!  And I am happy to say I have been busy living out the items on my list.  I hope to update them now. 

List of ideas for Project Heal

• Take a photography class -- I am really excited about this one!  ACCOMPLISHED

My Illuminate Assignments Complete

I loved taking the online photography course Illuminate.  It was an amazing photo-healing class that encouraged me to use my camera to move forward, change focus and learn about photography.  I am thrilled with the outcome.  I actually completed all of my assignments using a wordpress blog with the same name as my blogger blog.  Now I need to decide how to merge the two.  But I really love just how amazing the photos look in wordpress.  Do you want to see all of my assignments than visit my blog created for Illuminate assignments here. 

• Attend the Designed For Life women's conference ATTENDED

The Designed For Life women's conference in Springfield, MO was amazing.  I was able to go away for three days I was able to go away for 3 days and be immersed with girlfriends, fun, shopping, happy rings, and God.   The title of the conference I attended was “Designed for Life: A Love Story.” The theme was intended to allow me to share my story of my life while intimately experiencing the love of my Heavenly Father. I experienced life in a bubble where I could get in touch with my feelings, thoughts, and fears in a very protected setting. I experienced songs, teachings, and pampering that spoke to my spirit. And one exciting part for me in that was being able to let go of some of the guilt and shame of grief that has been weighing me down. I was able to feel loved by God and hear of promises He is so graciously will to share over me. I connected deeper with women who have become special friends since my loss.



I was able to open my eyes to the tiniest of details of living. I was surrounded by new babies and was able to glance at them without deep pain. I was able to receive the blessing of my children. I was able to hear the words “Children need mommy’s who are happy” “Husbands need wives who are confident” “Brothers need Sisters who are beautiful” and believe that inside me I have what it takes to choose to be that mommy, wife, and sister! I was able to laugh really hard until I cried as a speaker from Australia spoke the words due date, estrogen, and awesome in a cool Australian accent. I felt my spirit lift at as the speakers shared funny stories and deep truths.   I came back home with a content heart and I couldn’t wait to love on my husband and children. I felt so loved by them as they shared “welcome home mommy” cookies and lots of snuggles. I was able to recognize pure joy in my heart as my three year old wrapped his arms around my neck.

• Take a Walk by myself  Yep did that too!

One of the neat experiences of the Illuminate photography course was that it insisted that I walk outside my house and look for photos to compose.  I have been enjoy daily walks by myself with camera in hand.  It gives me a chance to clear my mind and really enjoy the beauty that God created.  It helps me be thankful for all the blessing God has given in my life.  A grateful heart and some excerise have been good my spirit. 

And there is still more Project Heal on the horizon.  Here are some items that remain and maybe I need to come with a few more ideas.

• Read a book with my oldest daughter--her pick
• Take a walk with a friend
• Try something new
• Create a peaceful place
• Listen to Christian music and dive into devotion with God

Waking to the Grief

I woke this morning with a longing in my heart to have a sweet 6 month old laying next to me.  I felt the emptiness in my arms as I breathed in what should have been.  I haven't been here in a while.  I try not to think about the could haves or should haves much anymore.  But my inner being had different plans today.  I couldn't stop trying to imagine my Seth baby next to me with sweet smiles and hands drawn to his mouth.  I couldn't help but imagine what it would have been like to wake up next to him and nurse him.  I find myself wishing I was holding him in my arms and feeling his snuggle.  The longing and the emptiness took over my mind.  My arms ached for him. 

I got up and started my day, but I had a sadness that I just couldn't shake.  The kids were dressed and ready.  I drove them to school.  I left the school alone and I felt the sadness rising in me and the tears began to stream down my face.  I tried to hold them back, but it was time for them to be released once again.  As I was driving home I could feel I needed to work through this grief. I found myself driving past my house and I knew just where I was heading.  I would visit Seth's sweet resting place today.  My mind began to plan out just how I would work through this sadness today.  I had a plan.  I would tend to this grief today or it would dominate me. 

As I drove into the cemetery I felt a peace rising.  I know it may sound strange, but I feel blessed at the place we chose to lay Seth's body.  It is a pretty place.  The headstones are flat on the ground.  So as I drive I just see the beautiful flowers of fall that others have placed on the graves of their loved ones.  The trees are beautiful with fall leaves, the birds are singing and the frogs croaking.  It is a place of serenity.

I pulled up and parked by the tree that would lead me down to Seth's spot.  I brought my phone along and looked up the song "I will Carry You" on YouTube.  As it played I let the tears flow onto the ground, this sacred spot to me. This is the place that holds the sweet body that once inhabited my body.  The words of the song were so true once again.  There were pictures I wanted to take of Seth.  There were things I wanted to show him.  There was a life I expected to share with him. I did carry this baby while his heart beat here.  And I missed the sound of that beautiful heart.  I missed the sweetness of his face.   I began praying.  I told God how broken my heart was that Seth was not with me.  I cried out to the Lord.  I told him how disappointed I was that Seth did not get to stay with me.  I cried and cried.  I needed Jesus to meet me here, right now.  I cried out to the Lord at how I needed to know that Seth is ok in heaven.  I needed Him to tell my precious baby just how much I loved him and how much I missed him.  And I just cried.  I let the tears release the built up grief.  The grief have been learning to set aside to live in my life. 

The song stopped.  My prayer continued until I felt the comfort of the Lord.  I was left there in the silence.  I breathed in the crisp air. The coolness that strinkingly reminds me of holding my sweet boy.  I felt a peace and much needed comfort.  And as I always do when I visit Seth's grave I took a walk from his spot to the beautiful waterfall nearby.  The water was not running today.  But I still enjoyed being near it.  I surprised a frog as I walked near who in turn surprised me as he jumped into the water.  I stopped.  I grabbed my camera phone and I began taking photos.  I took pictures of the water, the reflection of the sun, the flowers.  I heard the bees buzzing.  And I began taking more pictures of the bees landing upon the flowers.  The photo moment was a good focus for me.  I had left my sadness at the grave for Jesus to hold in His hand.  I felt my spirit lift as I looked through the lens of my camera phone and found beauty.  God's promise is true He does make beauty again from ashes.  And He is filled my heart with beauty.

I was ready to drive away.  God had met me this mornng. 

My Story of Baby Loss




Looking for light after the darkness of losing my baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Longing to hold my baby boy again.

 

Feeling so alone in the world even with close friends
 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

Trying to find myself again
 

Rediscovering the joy of being a mommy to my other children.

A Letter to my Seth Josiah

Dear Baby Seth,

 

I can’t believe it has been six months since I said goodbye to your sweet face. I miss you so much. You are always on my mind. I worry as time passes I will lose another part of you — the sweet baby I remember in my heart and mind. You were a beautiful baby with such a energetic spirit. I loved how much you moved within my womb. I was so surprised at how active and full of life you were little one. I loved every minute of it.

 

When they told me you had died I swear my heart stopped beating too. I remember just looking at my belly like I was no longer inside my own body. I wanted to die. Losing you has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I cannot believe how much emotional pain I have felt or how dark the world has seemed to me. In the beginning, right after you died, I fell into a darkness I never knew existed. It swallowed me up and I couldn’t breathe. I felt so alone in my grief. I didn’t understand why God let you die. I felt like people didn’t understand the immense sadness I felt or the trauma my body and mind had gone through to give birth to you after your death. I felt Alone, Ashamed, Unworthy, and Guilty. How could anyone possibly want to accept me now?

 

Grieving you has taken time. It also has taken so much of me and the person I was before you. I have felt lost inside myself, not sure who I was anymore or who I even wanted to be. Yet with each new day and with help from God, my family and friends I have begun to notice the light again. I have been more ready to emerge from the darkness. I am finally ready to heal.

I can still remember the weight of you in my arms. My arms ache to hold the you again. I remember your sweet face. You were so perfect and beautiful. I have decided that these are my memories and I have every right to keep them with me. They live etched in my mind and my heart. They remind me of the incredible privilege it is to be your Mommy. And that I will always be.

 

Someone recently told me that she thinks I am going to be a stronger woman through this experience. She said that I am not afraid to go deep and search my heart and the hurt. I think I know what she means. I do feel stronger for being your Mommy. I am not afraid to feel emotion anymore. I long to love deeper and live happier. I feel a new confidence stirring in me. One that wants to be bold and more outgoing. I do not want your life to go in vain. I want to make you proud of me. I want to live like you lived. You loved being alive. I want others to look at me and know that I survived the unimaginable and I did it by loving more than I thought was possible. I let go of more than I wanted to and it knocked me down to the ground. Getting up has taken every ounce of faith in God and His divine healing. God is faithful and He has not left me.

 

Hope is blooming in me again. Your big sister Natalie said to me this week that I am laughing a lot. I never thought I would laugh again after you died. I am so thankful to find some healing and it has been your sisters and brothers who have given me sweet reasons to smile. It makes me wonder if you know what my smile looks like? I will always wonder what your toothless grin would be. I try and imagine it in my mind.

 

Sweet baby I will never forget you. You will always be my baby boy and I love you so much. You will be the baby that left the echo of your heartbeat in my womb. I can hear the whisper of it in my heart. You are the one who I held every minute of your life. And that my precious Seth Josiah was an amazing gift.

 

I”ll love you Forever.
I’ll like you for Always.
As long as I am living, my Baby you will be.

 

Love,
Mommy

New Adventure: Illuminate

I am so excited to be embarking on a new adventure. The darkness is starting to fade. I can see the light ready to shine through. It has been waiting for me, calling my name. I am ready to look through the lens of the camera and see life all around me again. I am ready to look upon the faces of my children and capture their sweet smiles. I am ready to view the beauty around me. It is time to Illuminate.

I consider it such a privilege to take a photo healing class offered by another baby loss mom called Illuminate.  I just completed my first assingment of writing a letter to my baby and taking photographs that represent where I am in my journey following baby loss. 

To learn more about Illuminate visit http://www.berylaynyoung.com/illuminate/

And stay tuned weekly as I take this course and post about it here. 

UPDATE:  My Illuminate Photo Class Assignments can been found on wordpress :  apieceofmyheartinheaven.wordpress.com

Ready to Be Much Muchier

I am sitting outside today enjoying the sunshine, the birds singing, the soft wind blowing, cool breeze flowing. It is a peaceful place. And the truth is I actually like sitting here.  I am pondering, reflecting, breathing it all in.

Certainly never in my life have I experienced such a struggle between giving up or moving forward.  Never has it been more difficult to choose to move forward. There have been so many moments over the past few months that giving up seemed easier to me.  But truth is that moving forward is always the best choice.

As I am sitting here today with a clearer mind I am ready to re-discover who I am after a tremendous loss of love, promise, and future.  I have been lost for months now.   I have been searching for the me and along the way have discoverd some amazing women who understand what it feels like to be so lost.

And as they say one thing leads to another that is just what has been happening on this vast place of internet.  Today I find myself being intrigued by the quote "I used to be much muchier, but then I lost my muchness."  Now that sums up a lot about how I have been feeling.  The neat thing is Tova of findingmymuchness.com chose a creative way to find her  muchness again. She decided to challenge herself to find her muchness for 30 days.  She loved the result so much that she decided to invite other women along.

I want to join her.  The next 30 day challenge is "Muchness Meets Photography".  How cool is that?  How neat the timing since one of my Project Heal ideas is to take a photography class.  I am taking an online class and this challenge will fit with it so nicely.

Hmm..it makes me wonder what is my muchness?  I am not sure anymore.  Tova's muchness was first found in wearing sequins and glitter everday for 30 days.  She photographed herself in bling and posted it to facebook everyday.  I love it but I am not sure that is me. I do love how simple the assignment. I still need simple right now.

I feel this boldness brewing inside of me. I am ready to fight harder to move forward. I am ready to find myself and be the woman God intended me to be. I know He designed me for life, this life. I can't wait to see if my muchness is bold as well.  I want to be as bold as backpacking up a mountain.  I have a friend who just returned from such an experience.  I am in awe in reading her blog detail the trip.  Amazing. Reality check that may much to muchier for me right now.

This week I am on a mission to start to discover my muchness.  I love that it can be anywhere between wearing a little bling to climbing a mountain.  The sky really is the limit.  But maybe it would be wise to start with my Project Heal list and see where that leads me.

I am ready to be much Muchier again!

What about you? Are you joining the 30 day Muchness Meets Photography challenge. Comment below and let me know so I can look you up over at
findingmymuchness.com .

Thoughts of Him

My sweet baby boy!  So many thoughts of him.
Love, longing, some joy and lots of pain.
He is on my mind.

Am I thinking about this child of mine too much? 
I try not to think of him but my brain takes on a mind of it's own of such.
It seems to choose the thoughts and memories of this boy who is mine.
And so I think of him all the time. 

Some suggest that I need to busy myself
So I don't think of him all the time.
I am busy, he is on my mind. 
Some suggest that I need to spend
More time with my other children. 
I am with my sweet kiddos all the time, he is on my mind. 

Some suggest I go out with friends and be carefree.
I try to leave my thoughts at home, but they come along with me.
Some suggest that I need to spend more time with God
And His grace I will find.
Yes I find His grace and thoughts of heaven too,
They must have forgot where my baby boy resides. 
He is on my mind. 

Some suggest I get some sleep. 
I fall asleep and I am startled awake and he is on my mind. 
This is not always the sweet memories but the trauma that taunts me here. 
I hate waking up to the rememberance of what happened to us, him and I. 
I hate to remember hearing he did die. 
I hate to remember that I had to give birth to him to only say goodbye. 
You see he is on my mind. 

I have woke once or twice without him there. 
It is in these moments I panic too. 
I am worried that I have forgotten him much too soon. 
I search my mind frantically for the memories of him there. 
And he is on my mind. 

I finally wake to the morning light.  And he is on my mind. 
Not like when the morning is new and the day has so much in store,
No it is the reality of the memory that he is no more.
I fight to push the memory back for awhile to force myself up with the dawn. 
He is on my mind. Oh, I pause, I sigh and wish he was not gone.

I put on a smile and try to pretend I am alive and he is on my mind. 
I want to scream out loud all these thoughts I keep inside. 
He is on my mind. 
I want to let him be this little baby boy who is my son. 
But that isn't always who he is in my mind. 
I get lost in the guilt and shame and the tears flow from my eyes. 
He is on my mind. 

I need a break from these thoughts of him.
I don't know how to escape my mind who holds him near
Because it is my heart that holds him so very dear. 
So I choose to live with him on my mind.

Monkey Monday

It is Monkey Monday.  It is back to school time at our house.  My 3 middle children have now all had the same beautiful kindergarten teacher.  She labels the days of the week with an animal to help kids learn the all of the days.  Today is their first Monkey Monday back in school.  I had to laugh when they were talking about Monkey Monday over the weekend.  It is a bummer to have the weekend over.  Monkey Monday is somehow just a little more fun to look forward to.  I hope my kiddos have a fun day at school.  They made to the bus and are on their way to school.  I miss them!  I can't wait until they get back home.

Seth Josiah -- Day of Hope

Thinking of my baby boy, Seth Josiah today, Day of Hope Aug. 19, 2012

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

--Author Unknown

Letters to Heaven

Photo Credit: Small Bird Studio

Dear Seth,

If I could write a letter to heaven I would tell you I can't get you off of my mind, my precious Baby Seth.  It has been five months since you went to heaven.  I wish I didn't have tears in my eyes every time I think of you.  I don't think you would want Mommy to cry so much.  I cannot believe it has been five months since I said goodbye to you. I would so love holding you as a five month old if I could for only one day.   I would love to see you look at me and smile big as if to shout out loud  I am your Mommy and your most very favorite person in the whole world.  If I could write a letter to heaven I would ask you, do you know what I look like?  I fully trust you know the sound of my voice, but I wonder if you would recognize me in heaven.

There is nothing sweeter to a Mommy than sweet hugs from her children.  Today I will be extra thankful for the hugs I get from your brothers and sisters.    I sometimes close my eyes and pretend you are sending hugs to me to.  I can't decide if  it is really possible.  But if I could write a letter to heaven and ask God for one thing to make it easier to live without you I would ask for some hugs and kisses from you.  I would catch them as they fell upon on me and never let them go.


I choose today to celebrate you!  Seth you were longed for, cherished, loved!  The other day I had a banana split. I know it sounds silly, but it was my little way to celebrate you.  I loved banana splits when I was pregnant with you. If I could write a letter to heaven I would ask you if you remember the sweet taste of ice cream in my womb.   I am so glad we were able to share the little things while you were here. It makes me wonder are there really sweet things like banana splits in heaven?

I love you forever.  I like you for always.  As long as I am living my baby you will be. 

Love,
Mommy

Wordless Wednesday

I am so excited to try something new.  I have seen Wordless Wednesday as a weekly post idea.  Today I ran across an cool to twist to this idea on Fresh Mommy.  Her take:  Hump Day Dump!  She simply dumped the photos from her iphone from the week.  The pictures speak an adorable story.  I love it.  It is also encourages me to take lots of photos during the week if only with my phone.  Hope you enjoyed my first  attempt at a Hump Day Dump/Wordless Wednesday!  Linking up with my very first Wordless Wednesday at  Fresh Mommy and Keeping Up with the Reinlanders.

It is Still Raining

 I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I can't quite remember a summer like this.  It has been much like a drought.  The ground appears as though we have moved to the desert. It has been dry and cracked.  No flower has survived it. It has been so hot.  The lack of rain has left the heat feeling relentless.  And yet even in this heat and clear absence of rain I feel my storm continue. 

The storm came without warning.  I did not see the clouds or hear the thunder.  I did not get a forecast suggesting it would be arriving.  Lightening simply struck and my baby was gone. The loud thunder followed the silence of the deliver room.  And the tears began to fall in the rhythm of the raindrops.  The rain came crashing down and all around me I felt the strength of the storm beat on me. My baby had died.  I was certain I too would be lost in this storm.  It had no mercy. 

As with any storm there has been varying levels of energy.  Sometimes it has been raging and the emotions that came with it were intense.  Other times it has been so strong that all I could do was sit defeated and wait for it to lift.  And then the thunder ceased and I thought the storm was at an end.  Yet the rain did not stop. The mood of the rain so intimately matches the mood deep in me, sadness.

And today it is still raining.  The grief of Seth's death is still present in my mind and in my heart. It is not currently an intense storm of such, but it is still drenching me with fear and lack of confidence.   It still carries with it dark clouds that hold the threat of a downpour that will rock my boat about and leave me clinging for my life.  I am searching for the glimpses of the sun peaking through.  I am ready for the clouds to leave and let the sun beat down on my face for a change.  It shines at me a little when I see my children smile, when I laugh at something a friend has said, when I feel close to my husband again.  I am ready for more.  I want the rain to cease. It may not.

This Sunday I heard a song at church that met me right where I am in this storm.  I Fear it!  I feared it before it began and I fear it's strength and edurance as it has continued to rain in my life.  I fear the storm may never cease.  I fear that the sunshine will not shine in my life as it once did. I fear the storm has stolen my joy. The song is Always and it words say "I will not fear the storm" because God's help is on the way.

I can feel the change in the weather outside. The coolness has broken the heat even if it still hasn't rained. It speaks to a hope that the drought will be over soon. One day soon the rain will fall on the hard broken ground and bring a softness to the cracks.  The rain will give the flowers a drink and they will pose a bloom. The promise of life will spring up from the once dry ground again.  I am hopeful in drought or storm that His promise is true. God will not delay as I rely on Him as my refuge and strength He will come through.

I am not sure what my life will look like as this storm changes even possibly ceases.  But I am ready. I don't want to fear the storm anymore. I am ready for God to come through. I am ready for what the future holds. I want to know what possibly God could have in store to bring me joy even comparable to joy lost. I have my own ideas of what I want it to look like. It is hard to give up on those ideas and simply trust. Trust the unknown. Trust the calm. Trust that He will continue to comfort me as the storm has it's own way about me. Resist the urge to call me brave or strong I am just not. But I am trying to be faithful. Faithful to a God who will ALWAYS come through in the drought and in the storm.  ALWAYS.